by Bob Sassone

"Hello, my name is Bob, and I watch soap operas."

"Hello Bob!"

That's how I imagine a meeting of Guys Who Watch Soap Operas Anonymous. Don't get me wrong. I'm an All-American male: I eat too much pizza, I sometimes fall asleep on the couch watching "The Three Stooges," and I don't understand women as well as I should. But soap operas? I'm just a sucker for them.

Of course, I try to rationalize all this by appealing to the writer in me. You know: the daily intrigue and continuing drama make for interesting plot stucture and endless possibilities. Which, one could argue, is certainly true. But I have a more basic reason: they're just plain fun!

Not only can I tell you which show first got me hooked on soaps ("Guiding Light"), I can tell you the EXACT MOMENT it happened — one day back in 1979, when I came home from school and pleaded with my mom to watch "The Three Stooges" (see, I told you I was a regular guy). She said I couldn't. She was watching "Guiding Light," or "The Guiding Light," as it was called in those days, and no one was going to interrupt! So, I reluctantly watched with her... and immediately became hooked.

The rest, as they say, is history. How big a "GL" (as we fans call it) am I? Let's just say that I have either watched, taped, or at least kept track of what is going on in each episode virtually every day since that fateful October day in 1979. I remember running home from school (school was out at 2:00 — which was exactly when "GL" started) to watch the long-awaited confrontation between Mike and Ed and Roger Thorpe in Santo Domingo (bad guy Roger fell to his death off a cliff, but has since come back to terrorize and annoy the citizens of Springfield); I remember when Philip and Beth fled to New York City to escape Beth's evil step-father and the police, and Rick and Mindy followed behind to help them escape; I laughed when the house crashed into the Reardon home (don't ask), and the Reardons decided to turn it into a bar/restaurant/dance place; I cheered when Kelly finally found out that Nola was trying to break up his relationship with Morgan, and booed when the climax to the indescribably intense Alan/Amanda/Jennifer parentage storyline was interrupted by a CBS News Special Report (I still haven't forgiven the network for that); I was amazed that I bought the outlandish Dreaming Death storyline (a rare disease is transported to Springfield from Africa and an infected mouse runs around town biting people), and ticked off by a plotline I didn't buy: the death of Maureen.

I can't remember my brother's birthday, but I remember the day Reva Lewis sashayed into town to break up Billy and Vanessa. I can't keep track of how many nieces and nephews I have;, but I can easily count how many Bauers there are (and who the best cooks are at the annual Bauer Fourth Of July barbecue). I have trouble finding a date, but I know exactly what advice to give misunderstood lovers Hart and Dinah. If they, um, really existed.

It's amazing and unfortunate that soap operas have gotten such a bad rap over the years. But they really are a terrific training ground for actors and actresses (even though saying they're a "training ground" makes it seem like soaps shouldn't be taken seriously as an art form themselves). Quick quiz: What do James Earl Jones, Cicely Tyson, Kevin Bacon, Sandy Dennis, Alec Baldwin, Meg Ryan, Robert Downey, Jr., Demi Moore, Roy Thinnes, Tony Randall, and Christopher Walken all have in common? Yup, they all started on soap operas. And that's just a short list.

While critics and people who have never watched soap operas can dump on the form, the acting, and the structure (none of which, by the way, are as bad as most of these folks would have you believe), soap operas remain a pretty remarkable exercise. Where else can actors get the pressure of learning dozens of pages of dialogue, five days a week, fifty-two weeks a year? And I'll take "Guiding Light" over stuff like "Meego," "Married...With Children," and "Chips" any day. Besides, the only thing that seperates "Melrose Place," "Beverly Hills, 90210," and "Party Of Five" from daytime soaps is scheduling and a bigger budget. Unlike those nighttime shows, daytime shows rarely outstay their welcome. You can't say that about Brian Austin Greene and company.

The days of soaps being talky romance novels on TV, made for bored housewives eating bon-bons, is over. They're better produced and better lit than they were in the '50s and '60s, and feature better writing, acting, and direction. They are an equal to other TV shows. And if you think that prime-time dramas have not been influenced by soaps, you're sadly mistaken. Look at the cliffhangers you see every season on "The X-Files." And the big screen has seen its share of soaps as well. What was "The Empire Strikes Back" but a multi-story, multi-location family drama, complete with "tune in next time" ending? So soaps demand common sense respect — even if I really do believe that Susan Lucci SHOULDN'T win an Emmy, no matter how many times she's nominated.

Of course, soap operas are not perfect, and raise as many questions as they do answers. How come no one ever seems to have to go to the bathroom (in fact, how come none of these million dollar mansions even have a bathroom)? How can all these people have so much money when they don't seem to work full-time (they're too busy conniving against each other, having affairs, flying across country, and just plain talking to each other too long)? And speaking of flying, how can soap characters instantly book flights (that are never delayed) and get to their destinations in the same day?! How come characters never seem to wear the same clothes twice? How can people just so coincidentally walk in on another person when the other person is doing something wrong? When someone asks a question to someone who is hiding a deep, dark secret, how come they never ask while the other person is pausing and stalling for so long? How come they never show anyone driving (unless, of course, a car accident has been written into the plot)?

How come no one ever notices when another actor or actress takes over a role when another actor or actress leaves the show? Don't they notice their old friends/lovers/family members suddenly look a lot different? How can people become doctors while going to medical school for only six months? How come soap children age years and years in only a matter of months? How can the lives of so many people become so intertwined when I don't even know the last name of the neighbor I've lived next to for the past seven years?

The answer, of course, is that they can't. This is soap operaland, after all. And it's TV. You were expecting complete realism?

I'd write more, but I have to watch my soap. And I just know that Dinah is going to get even with Hart for cheating on her with Cassie, and Reva is going to realize Cassie is her sister, and Billy is going to be jealous of Hart and Cassie, and Josh is going to worry about Reva, and Philip will have to choose between Beth and Harley, and Harley is worried about her dad Buzz, who has amnesia, and Buzz has to choose between Jenna and Nola, and Alan and Annie are plotting something devious...

Oh oh. Looks like it's time for another Guys Who Watch Soap Operas Anonymous Meeting.

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LINKS REAL SOAP FANS CAN'T DO WITHOUT
(WHETHER YOU'RE A GUY OR A GIRL):

• Soap Opera Digest online, with interviews, reviews, links, and updates.
• Soap Links — More Web pages than you'll know what to do with.
• TV Guide online has daily soap updates and other news.
• The CBS Guiding Light Page — Of course, I couldn't forget this one!

Bob Sassone is a freelance writer based in Gloucester, Massachusetts, where he edits and publishes the boob tube zine Channel Surfer Journal.

© 1998 Tripod, Inc. All right reserved.