Basic Lessons From A Grease Monkey Guru
By Pableaux Johnson

Here at the tail end of the fuel-injected American century, most of us worship at the automotive altar. We own, drive, and make payments on all manner of vehicles, but as a rule know very little about their inner workings. Cars get us to work and school, allow nearly unlimited freedom of movement (gridlock notwithstanding), and yet somehow remain complete mysteries to their owners. In an average year, we'll each drive 15,000 miles, fueled by relatively cheap petroleum and unwavering faith in our internally-combusted wonder chariots.

That is, until something goes WRONG.

When a brand new mystery ping develops or routine mechanical breakdown occurs, our automotive fantasy worlds come crashing down around us. Radiators boil over, drive trains start to grind, and at that moment become aware of our COMPLETE ignorance and question our ingrained automotive faith. After a few prayers and twice as many curses, we take our ailing beasts to modern-day medicine men — the mechanic.

"Most of us worship at the automotive altar. That is, until something goes wrong"

Mechanics are the high priests of auto culture — the omniscient oracles that know why our trusty wagons refuse to roll. And since the general populous barely knows where the gas nozzle fits, most drivers live at the mercy of the mysterious monkey wrenchers. We accept whatever they tell us as gospel and then sign the Check of Many Zeros.

But let's say you want to break the cycle of ignorance and (gasp!) learn more about how your car works. (Or more likely, maybe you're just tired of making your mechanic's Jet Ski payments.) You want decipher the wonderful world of exhaust manifolds and engine blocks, but lack the wisdom of a master mechanic to lead you to true enlightenment.

If you're lucky, you'll find a mechanical mentor — a dedicated grease-monkey guru to lead you through the guts of your trusty steed. Someone to reveal the secrets of the inscrutable auto — which really isn't as complicated as most mechanics would have us believe. This bhagwan of ball bearings will demystify your steel-wheeled beast and give you a deeper understanding of your regular mechanic's high-dollar diagnoses.

Unfortunately, these teachers are scarcer than soccer hooligans at a yoga class.

However — friends and neighbors — I'm here to tell you that they do exist. These mechanical maestros can miraculously lead you from complete carburated cluelessness to something approaching automotive independence. All it takes is a basic tool kit, the brain in your head, and most important, the willingness to get some grease on your hands.

"When a brand new mystery ping develops or routine mechanical breakdown occurs, our automotive fantasy worlds come crashing down around us."

My own mechanical education came from playing second socket to a teacher known as The Big Man — quite possibly the finest non-professional mechanic in the known universe. When it comes to things wrenchable, The Big Man knows all — and more importantly — tells all.

Over the years, I've worked with The Big Man on many vehicles — from my $400 trucks to his classic project cars — and distilled his teachings into a few crucial yet simple lessons. While this basic curriculum won't qualify you to open your own service business, it'll help you understand your own car better and minimize high-dollar contributions to another man's recreational water craft.

So without further ado, we turn to the Book of The Big Man...

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