by Joe Procopio
It's time. That pathetic collection of steel, vinyl, rubber, and duct tape that you've been calling your "ride" has embarrassed you for the very last. You want new wheels and you want them now. You've been wise about it. You've been socking your money away. Now it's time to plunk that cash down on something sexy. Well, okay, something reliable as well.

So you take the next step. You check your funds and figure out a comfortable monthly payment. You add in a realistic interest rate and then multiply the whole thing by sixty months to see what kind of sticker price is in your range.

The results leave you more than a little dejected.

You do the math again, but the numbers never lie. You discover the cold reality that the most you can hope to afford is a turquoise, three-cylinder, minutes-away-from-recall "microcar. Your heart sinks. Your hopes and dreams crumble. For a moment you consider a moped.

But then you notice that big, bright, four-color ad. Maybe it's for that little sports car with the drop-top. Or for that SUV that'll get you to those special places that remain untouched by the hand of man. It doesn't matter, it's your dream car. And it's staring back at you in an ad that says you could be in this car, no, you WILL be in this car, for the affordable price of $299 a month.

You begin to weep. Softly. It's a miracle.

But wait just a second. Back up. Check the fine print.

It's a lease.

So what, you think to yourself. This is your chance to drive a car that was, a mere five minutes ago, just a pipe dream. Besides, you're no idiot. You know that when negotiating a lease there is one hard-and-fast rule. Negotiate the price of the car first, then start talking interest rates and monthly payments. Car and Driver told you this. Consumer Reports told you this. Mom and Dad told you this.

In fact, that rule was pounded into our heads like a mantra, even to the point where we were told not to mention that we were interested in leasing the car until the dealer quoted his or her "rock-bottom purchase price." Don't worry if this makes the dealer mad, our advisors said. It is in your best interest to do so.

But the dealer didn't get mad. He got even.

The dealer has now employed the very same stealth tactics that we were taught. Their ads are cagey at best, promising outrageously low monthly payments for just about any car they can crank out, be it an Escort ZX2 or a BMW Z3. Take, for example, one ad I came across recently for a 1998 Jeep Cherokee Laredo. It declared in big block letters that you could take the car off the lot for $299 a month. They're kidding, right? This baby has an MSRP of $27,915. The monthly damage should be more like $500.

Again, make sure you look for the small print (and I'm not kidding when I say small, this is, like, a 4-point font), where it denotes that, for this price, you're not buying the car, you're simply using it for a while.

Most leases these days are called "closed-end" leases. That means that you and the dealer agree up front what the car is going to be worth when you turn it in. This can be a blessing, especially if you're going after a hype car like the Z3 or even that new VW Beetle. The kicker is that when you see a monthly payment so ridiculously left of logic, you can be sure that the lease is subsidized. This might mean that the dealer is artificially inflating the residual value (the amount the car is "worth" upon return), to shrink the monthly payment during the term of the lease. So be careful. If you happen to want to keep your leased Beetle, you may discover that you'd already agreed that said Beetle is worth thousands more than it actually is.

No problem. Just give it back to the dealer. Right?

Well, you can do that. But here's where it starts to add up. The closed-end lease begat the termination fee. This is a small amount you have to pay the dealer if you decide not to buy the car at lease end. And, if it's a subsidized lease, chances are you'll go with the termination fee. So let's go back to our Jeep Cherokee Laredo example at $299 a month for 36 months and add in that fee, a standard $350 bite. That bumps our monthly payment up to $309.

We're still cool.

The next big sucker-punch is mileage. Over the last six years or so, the standard mileage allotment for a leased car has shriveled dramatically. When I leased back in 1993, I was allowed 15,000 miles per year with a penalty of 11 cents a mile for anything over that. The average today is 10,000 - 12,000 miles per year with an average penalty of 15 cents a mile. And I've got to tell you, even with the comparatively generous outlay I was given, and even after worrying about every single long trip I took, I blew it. I ended up about 10,000 miles over my limit. Back to the Laredo. Let's be conservative and say we're actually going to drive 15,000 miles a year (like I was supposed to) and apply today's standards to that. Mileage Penalty: $1350. Monthly payment: $337.

But wait. There's more.

You can't forget the fees. And boy, are there fees! They have a lot of names for them. Acquisition fee, doc fee, delivery fee, security deposit, tax, and tags to name a few. For our purposes, even though all could apply, we'll pick just one at random. Doc fee: $295. Monthly payment: $345.

Then they really get going.

Perhaps the sneakiest trick to come along in the leasing game is something called a Capital Cost Reduction. This is an up-front, non-refundable fee, sometimes referred to as a "down payment," that instantly takes away the prettiest feature of the lease; the fact that you didn't have to pay the depreciation. This fee can be as low as a few hundred dollars, as high as $7000 and up.

I've rarely see the CCR worded in a way that would instantly make one realize that what you're getting in return for this fee is nothing. Especially when it's called a "down payment." That's just evil. When was the last time you put a down payment on an apartment? Or a video rental? For the Laredo, there's a down payment of $2500. Cha-ching! That monthly payment just went up to $424.

So finally, you drive your brand new Jeep Cherokee Laredo off the lot for $424 a month. Hmm. There's one thing wrong with that sentence.

It's not your car.

Some of the cost of a lease is non-quantifiable, the greatest being that of ownership. When you buy a car outright, it's your car. You can do with it what you please. Go ahead. Modify, tint, lift, lower, alter, and decorate however you want. Oh, and spill and ding to your heart's content. Keep in mind that if you modify or even cause any excess wear-and-tear on a leased car (a definition that's usually open to interpretation), you have to pay up at lease-end.

When all is said and done, leasing has one final drawback that's a lot subtler than those I've detailed. Leasing encourages you to drive much more car than you can actually afford. In the end, I think your best plan is to keep saving your money, settle on a less-flashy ride, maybe look for a late-model used car. They may not be the most glamorous options, but at least you get the satisfaction of getting something more tangible in return for your money.

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Joe Procopio writes a monthly column for Smug. He also authors novels, sings in a pop band, and slings technology like a six-year-old in a food fight, all of which is enumerated on his Web site. He drives real fast.