As we drove through the twisting green hills of the Canyon and past health food shacks with rainbow flags, we giggled like warrior princesses. I was Xena and my conspirator was Gabriel, heading towards a glorious feast after battle. As we drove up the long wooded driveway to the entrance that really did look like the set of a bad UPN show, my second-rate action hero routine was killed by the sight of a bearded man standing butt-naked at the entrance, talking on the pay phone. My Xena had walked onto the set of Ally McBeal and my conspirator and I could not leave the car because of a laughing fit!
| "I committed the nudist colony version of a fart in church — I kept my eye on his prize." |
After five minutes of carrying on, we left the car. We had to pass directly in front of our friend on the phone to enter the registration building. I diverted my gaze and concentrated on the door, to no avail. I committed the nudist colony version of a fart in church — I kept my eye on his prize. Once I shifted my gaze up to his face it became apparent he was not amused.
I entered the building. Inside, a young hippie chick in patchouli and purple was explaining the rules. In order to visit for the day, we would have to take a tour and then either come back another one day for $15, or stay for the current day. An unlimited yearly pass is $700, otherwise the colony is Members Only, barring those poor slacker artist boys I like so much. But getting a date was antithetical to what I had in mind anyway. We signed up for the tour and went around back to wait for our tour guide.
Our guide was a bright, intelligent woman, who despite obvious bra-less breasts, was fully clothed. This particular naturist family center was very interested in the type of environment it was creating. Part of the conversation was her screening us: "Why did we want to be there? How did we feel about being nude? What did we want from a membership?" She also spoke quite passionately about the classes they hold on body appreciation, yoga, and goddess-style spiritualism — clearly aware of the concerns that women face when nude in public.
Even though it was the middle of winter in California and the weather was barely 65 degrees, there were about ten naked people lounging by the pool, a couple on the grass reading, and a small crew of ladies chatting at the jacuzzi. These people were committed!
Leather Skin
What distinguishs these people, besides their nudity, is an incredible tan. Nudists are sun-worshipers in the extreme: the outdoors + nudity = leather skin. All I could think of was melanoma on my ass!
"Outdoors
+
Nudity
=
Leather
Skin." |
We spent two hours taking the tour. After it was over, we had the opportunity to stay, but it was getting chilly. The sign read Clothing Optional and we took it to heart; we weren't about to catch a cold just to fit in.
My friend and I went down to the pool. For the first 20 minutes I was embarrassed and fearful of repeating my church fart — checking everyone out. However, as time went by, I felt more relaxed and remembered to just look people in the eyes. People smiled. Two men came over to chat with us about the weather. They left. It was uneventful.
Truth is, the people weren't interesting to me. As a group, I thought the naturists were nice enough; I just didn't feel like part of the crew. After a while it was evident that my conspirator and I were not gelling with the other folks so we decided to leave. It was almost suppertime and we weren't down with the naked potluck.
|
