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Catch-phrase Incorporated
by Joe Procopio |
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Find a name and logo for your new company from the Business Name Generator.
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International Business Machines. I love that name. It's straightforward,
to the point, it looks good written, and it sounds good being said. IBM,
one could argue, is the hallmark of excellence in technological corporate
identification. Unfortunately, however, I think the art of the name has gone
the way of the dinosaur, much like, well... much like IBM itself.
The days
when a company's name took the form of a handy acronym that opened into a
beautiful and self-explanatory moniker are over. The rules have changed
and, frankly, the people responsible for christening techie startups have
gotten a tad loopy. How else can you explain the emergence of a software
company called Reality Bytes?
| "The days
when a company's name took the form of a handy acronym are over." |
Microsoft is a good name. It makes sense anyway, and it doesn't get all
tricky with the capitals. It's not MicroSoft. The name signifies the
marriage of the microcomputer, now commonly known as the PC, and the
creation of software for said PC. Microsoft. Bingo. Now, as will happen,
when you start a good thing, you get a big bandwagon. All of a sudden
there are dozens of wanna-be companies trying to capitalize on Microsoft's
success. I'm not sure what kind of logic these folks are using either.
It's not as if some high-powered CEO, while searching for just the right
software for his or her behemoth corporation, is going to see a company
called Mikrosoft and think:
"Well. It's almost Microsoft. In fact, it's very, very close. Just one
letter off. It must, therefore, be just as good as Microsoft."
| "And, yes, there is a Microware. And a Macrosoft." |
It's ridiculous really, the notion that by having a name that sounds like
success equals success. But that doesn't stop a great number of people from
trying. A perfunctory search of the internet returned MicroKey,
MicroPerfect, MicroFusion, Mastersoft, Monstersoft, DynaSoft, KeySoft (who
should perhaps think about a corporate crossover deal with the MicroKey
folks), ProSoft, and Telesoft.
And, yes, there is a Microware. And a Macrosoft.
Let's delve a little deeper and turn our sights to Microsoft's
arch-nemesis, Netscape. They started in the right place, trying to link
the Internet to their name, but they finished it off with "scape," which
isn't a word at all. Well actually, it does have roots in Middle English,
translating to either "escape" or "shaft." But I think what they were
shooting for was a connotation of landscape or cityscape, to sort of hint
at a "horizon" (yes, there is a NetHorizons).
| "In fact, there are at least a dozen companies
that go by the name Interweb, a term which makes no sense." |
While we're at it, can we get a moratorium on the use of "inter," the other
half of the word "Internet," and/or "Web" before we break ground on any
future companies? Enough! These two words are the most used and abused in the
corporate image dictionary. In fact, there are at least a dozen companies
that go by the name Interweb, a term which makes no sense.
The most annoying trend, so far anyway, is to alter the spelling of a word,
yet retain its pronunciation and meaning. You may remember this practice
as a key element of the hair-metal bands back in the eighties — bands like Def Leppard and Motley Crue. It's also, by the way, the basis of my
super-creepy theory that software will be the next rock-and-roll.
Companies like Teknoligica, Opitk Solutions, Qwikware, Spyral, and the
multi-offender ReZrVoir are leading the way to the days when kids camp out
all night at the software store to get their hands on the latest release
from Dijital Gamez Ink.
| "EZ Software makes me think of EZ Cheese or EZ Listening." |
We've covered the ambitious, the uninspired, and the pretentious. But what
about the just plain quirky? Webslingers is a commercial Internet
consulting firm. That got a grin out of me. It's a name that gives off a
cutting-edge vibe without resorting to grandstanding. On the other hand,
EZ Software makes me think of EZ Cheese or EZ Listening. Pegasus World is
indeed an accounting software maker and not a strip club. And Integrated
Solutions Limited makes me think of calculus and gives me no idea at all
about what it is they do.
But that gave me an idea. You know those management catch-phrase
spreadsheets that get passed around the office via memo or e-mail? They
list three columns of the most popular business buzzwords and, when one
word is selected from each column, they form completely important-sounding — but absolutely meaningless — phrases. Sure, we've all seen them, we all have
a chuckle and then we mentally note those words and try to weed them out of
our vocabulary for a little while. Well, just for fun, I modified that
list to help you, dear reader, when choosing a name for that hip,
techie-startup you're planning. Just select one term from each column and
have the result trademarked quickly. There are 1000 combinations possible,
which should last, taking into account the rate of startups these days,
about a week.
| Integrated | Enterprise | Solutions |
| Ergonomic | Management | Options |
| Total | Organizational | Associates |
| Dynamic | Reciprocal | Systems |
| Innovative | Logistical | Technologies |
| Responsive | Transitional | Consulting |
| Synchronized | Incremental | Concepts |
| Interactive | Insight | Enterprises |
| Quality | Business | Design |
| Expert | Functional | Creations |
There you have it. No need to thank me. I'm just doing my job. Besides,
I managed to save the best one for myself. So look out Microsoft, here
comes Magnanimous Empowerment Solutions and Systems Limited. What do we
do? Ummm... lemme get back to you.
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Joe Procopio writes a monthly column for Smug. He also authors novels, sings in a pop band, and slings technology like a toddler with a rifle, all of which is enumerated on his Web site. He has no spare time.
© 1998 Tripod, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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