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Being discharged from a position in
this day and age is usually a blessing in disguise.
Most people who lose their jobs
have been asking to get the axe for some time. As a nation built on the Puritan work ethic and rugged individualist propaganda,
we are brainwashed into a sense of false pride. In the God-forsaken corner
of every American mind lies the notion that we must take an inane pride in
our work, and any type of dismissal — even from a position that is
nothing but a constant source of pain — is a big, red "F" for failure.
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But if you count yourself among the
daily-grind-hating majority, a full release from responsibility is best
viewed as a "get-out-of-jail-free" card. After all, its not as if you've quit. Oh no! You
stuck it out, day after day, until they could stand you no more. And that
entitles you to six (count them, six!) full months of unemployment
privileges.
If you have any qualms whatsoever about accepting unemployment
monies, remind yourself that as an upstanding, tax-paying citizen, you have
earned the right to a government subsidized leave of absence from the world
of work. You've been paying social security and Medicare taxes all
along. Don't
be a sucker and expect to reap the rewards come your twilight years, pocket that loot — it's the only payback for your suffering that you're ever going to get.
Let's take a good, hard look at all that awaits the new,
gainfully unemployed you.
Getting the boot will almost always secure you a paid position as CEO of
your household. And while the Feds may not pay as well as your former employer,
the job satisfaction will most certainly make up for any budgetary
concessions you may have to make.
Your half-year hiatus can be used in a
variety of life-affirming ways. Unemployment recipients with a
hankering for adventure have been known to go on road trips which would
make Hunter S. Thompson blush. Others have made progress on their great
American novels or started their very own businesses. And still more
have searched for that dream job — you know, the one that brings an end to
the Sunday night blues and the Monday morning suicidal tendencies.
If
your job satisfaction is in a state of rigor mortis, you can be sure you
haven't found your calling. Now that the New Year has come and gone and you've seen
neither hide nor hair of that coveted pink slip, get ready to start a smear
campaign against yourself to get fired with style.
Since you're not a hateful person, the best way to
petition for your immediate dismissal is one that will not
substantially hurt your employer's business. Not only will the following
techniques ensure that you don't lose sleep over your company's subsequent
bankruptcy, but they will also achieve your primary objective — getting
fired through "no cause of your own." Charges of insubordination are to be
avoided. Such an accusation is
unemployment office poison, the kiss of death where your benefits are
concerned.
Refer to yourself in the third person
When asked to stay
late, say "Myra hates to work overtime." Then go ahead and burn the
midnight oil anyway. When asked out to a Chinese place for lunch, say
"Sure, Myra likes Chinese food." Make it a habit, and spend the first three
months of unemployment breaking yourself of it.
Hygiene issues
Soap and water are relics of the past — stink up the joint.
Contradict your boss
in front of clients
Next time you sit in at a client meeting with the big
gouda:
1. Politely interrupt the conversation. An unassuming "excuse
me"
should do the trick.
2. Say something to the effect of "Don't you
think it would be wiser
to [fill in with the first idea that springs to
mind]?"
3. Repeat twice. Third time's the charm.
Cop an attitude
You've probably already discovered that common variety sauciness just
won't do. Worse yet, a slight splash of sass only makes you seem endearing
(never mind the cauldron of venom seething beneath the surface). Learn from
your mistakes, and take an unapologetic attitude. When addressed by your first name, your reply
should be, "that's Ms. Smith to you." Or let your true colors shine
through whenever you're presented with an assignment. Our favorite
way of saying we don't give a squirrel's testicle is "Okay, but its beneath
me."
Don't back down by
pretending that you are only kidding. Your freedom is no
laughing matter. Leaving a cesspool-of-discontent-job is a no-brainer if you
really want to do it. It's criminal to resign and forgo your piece of the tax pie. Showing up late for work, calling in sick every
Monday, ingenuity, out-of-the-box thinking, and all
around brilliance is what it takes to get sacked good and
proper.
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Leah and Elina Furman are freelance writers living in Chicago, and are the authors of The
Everything After College Book, released by Adams Media in the fall of
'97. Leah and Elina invite readers to visit their homepage at
members.tripod.com/~ElinaF
© 1998 Tripod, Inc. All Rights Reserved
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