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by CHARLES MARRELLI
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CHECK THESE OUT
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Love Don't Pay the Rent
A good move must start with a plan.
The Rules to the Right Apartment
Get your dream apartment...
Fight the Power: Know Your Tenant Rights
and tell your new landlord who's boss.
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My wife approached with two goons, a scarred bald man and his long-bearded companion with the severe limp. Let me guess — the movers, right? The look on Jennifer's face was familiar: pure hatred. She was expecting Ken dolls in jump suits. The day-and-a-half late and short-handed (legged) movers were about to be shit-canned. After a brief but ugly scene in our hallway (my wife hurled charges of alcoholism), the movers were sent packing. Label it episode 16a in the epic saga: "Chicago Relocation."
Let me differentiate between "moving" and "relocation." Moving is three buddies, a U-Haul, a case of beer, tape, oven cleaner, and generous visits to the dumpster. Relocation is a two-month process involving lengthy hotel stays, hundreds of receipts, animal boarding, vehicle shipping, and mild depression. What follows are some tips on surviving (and profiting from) relocation.
Stick it to The Man
The important thing to remember in a corporate relocation scenario is to stick it early and often. Remember, they're uprooting you and changing your life — make 'em pay. An invaluable weapon against The Man is a salary calculator. A rule of thumb is 15 percent salary increase plus cost-of-living differential. If all goes well, your out-of-pocket expense should be zero (did I mention generous receipts?). Dog needs a kennel? Stick it. Terminating a car lease? Stick it. Cleaning your oven? Worth a shot.
Use the Technology Edge
Apartment-hunting is war. War between you and the other families looking in the same neighborhood. Treat it as such. As always, the best technology wins. If you're apartment-hunting without a rented cell phone and a PDA, you're at a significant disadvantage. Of course, it's easy to take it too far. If you're walking around with a bunch of maps printed from the Web and stapled together, you're a dork. Do yourself a favor and buy a map-filled travel book. It's the perfect analog component for neighborhood-hunting.
The Inescapable Moving Day
Moving would be easy if it weren't for all your stuff. The good news and revelation to me is that professional movers will pack, move, and unpack you. In theory, all you need to do is point. Of course, when you have a wife who actually cares about your property, the angst filling the room is almost unbearable. Indeed, it's best to leave the scene of the "relocation process" and write an essay about it.
Charles Marrelli is an advertising copywriter in the process of relocating to Chicago.
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