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It's cheap, easy, and you can do it while drinking beer. So why is America's Game going the way of bad polyester?
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Odds are good that a bowling alley near you shut down lately. More than 2,000 lanes have gone out of business in the last 20 years. But recently, amid the darkness of the bowling alley death notices, there's been a fluorescent ping of light. In what may be a last-ditch effort to rescue bowling from the same cultural boneyard where drive-ins and soda fountains now sleep, bowling is being re-invented and tricked out to attract the kids. Two popular re-works are "rock-n-bowl" (add extra loud music, a DJ, or even a band) and "glow-bowling" (often known by the Brunswick-trademarked term, Cosmic Bowling) in which bowlers aim at day-glo pins through a fog of smoke, strobes, and blasting rock music. Dear me! Sounds "hip," I guess, but I say these gimmicks detract from the purity of plain old bowling, already such a perfect sport.
| "$10 spent at a garage sale will often net you ball, bag and shoes, good for life!" |
So Inexpensive!
Bowling is dirt-cheap, just a couple bucks per game. Start-up costs are nil — equipment is provided! All lanes stock an extensive selection of balls, and shoe rental is about a buck. And it's no economic hardship to pick up your own equipment — you could splurge on the new shiny stuff, but $5 to $10 spent at a garage sale, a thrift store, or a flea market will often net you ball, bag and shoes, good for life!
Bowling attire is strictly casual. Forget that silly tribal competition in athletic wear. There's no Nike vs. Reebok, no space-age polymer shoes, no official NBA/Coca Cola/USA Olympics-sanctioned warm-up jacket or "buy-it-now!" nonsense in bowling. A wrist brace is about the only fussy "look-like-a-pro" item you can spring for, and that's a look you should probably avoid unless medically necessary.
So Easy!
While purists like myself enjoy licking pencils, sweating over complicated addition, and coloring in the little squares, it's a rare alley nowadays that doesn't have automatic scoring. No math skills needed, and no complicated rules to learn! Throw the ball at the pins when it's your turn and hey — you're bowling! But truly, the all-time great thing about bowling is that you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it! Performance goals are often personal (can I beat my previous high score?) and nobody laughs, points, or stares at bad bowlers. All levels of skill are welcome.
You'll never break out in an unpleasant sweat bowling! This is a minimal physical activity with no cardiovascular heavy breathing, frantic motions, in-your-face competition, or physical assault. Muscle tone or ultra body? Nah, some of bowling's best are big flabby blobs. Not only are you resting on your can 90 percent of the time, but eating, boozing, and smoking is permitted during the game. And compared to other sports, bowling has a favorably low injury rate. Essentially, don't drop the ball on your feet, and watch your hands around the ball return, and you'll be fine.
So Fun!
There's no clock ticking on a bowling game. Some folks barrel through, trying to pack as many games into an evening as possible; others linger sociably, chatting, snacking, and leisurely making their assaults on the pins. And speaking of pins, moving balls into holes or through nets is okay, but crashing stuff rules. And this isn't trendy virtual destruction, this is real-life, 3-D, clattering pin action. Hurl the ball and watch those pins fly! Perfectly legal and non-destructive, but oh, so satisfying!
Bowling has a unity of purpose and performance that is missing from other sports. Bowlers gather in highly specialized locations (low-slung lane caverns) to execute the same maneuvers toward the universal
goal (knock those pins down!) regardless of their size, age, or skill. Top it off with the tacit acknowledgment that one and all are wearing the same weird shoes, and one understands the welcoming club-feel of bowling.
Sadly, the patois of bowling, that great retro-jargon, is fading away. One rarely hears the colorful names of splits (certain configurations of pins left standing) being hollered in frustration: the Cincinnati, the
fence posts, the Golden Gate, and the Woolworth. At rest, it's a mere ball, but in motion, it may be a creeper, a Brooklyn, a dead apple, a floater, a grasshopper or a looper. Nonetheless, in minutes, any novice is calling out, "Steeeeee-rike!" "Gutter ball," "Ow, snake eyes," and "More beer!" with the authority of a seasoned pro.
Bowling is such a marvelous pastime, and yet, too many alleys are meeting wrecking balls. I fear this new trend toward gimmick bowling will only hurt. Glow-bowling may be the rage today, but ten years from
now, will it be scoffed at as another bad Nineties amusement, like bungee jumping or paintball? When the trend fades, it may take centuries of solid, work-a-day bowling history with it. Bowling needs to be preserved for itself, and not tossed aside completely when this year's fad of "silly bowling" wanes. Don't wait until it's too late! Bowling needs you! Go right now!
Al Hoff took (and failed) bowling in college and occasionally bowls over 100.
© 1998 Tripod, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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