The cast of characters: P.J. Carlesimo, a short-fused, Bobby Knight-esque ex-college coach, now coach of the NBA's Golden State Warriors. Picture Donald Sutherland in "Animal House," cable-knit sweater, butt and all). And Latrell Sprewell, a volatile, ego-driven, paycheck-wielding, all-talent, all-potential, all-asshole star of Carlesimo's team. Practice-time tempers flare up, resulting in an angered throttling of said coach by said player, further resulting in player's removal from premises. 15-20 minutes later, player returns to scene, still mad as a wet hen. Threatens coach with continued violence. Coach threatens not to invite player to join in future reindeer games.

Here's where it gets murky. 1) Team responds publicly by imposing ten-game suspension. 2) Two days later, the team stretches it to one year, then a complete termination of player's multi-year, big-dinero contract. 3) Converse drops lucrative player sponsorship as team tries to find legal methods for termination. Snacks are eaten as sports-radio call-in shows are awash in experts, lawyers, Joe Six-packs, and union reps. 4) League honcho David Stern imposes one-year ban and upholds termination of contract. After mikes are turned off, he is heard to state "...so there." May I remind you that all of this occurs within three days of the incident?

Player agent Arn Tellum panics and pulls the all-encompassing race card a tad early, perhaps spawned by knee-jerk-reaction king Willie Brown (S.F. mayor) and his cross-bay sidekick, Oakland Mayor (and Grammy winner) Emmylou Harris. Even though no witnesses to the event corroborate a racist agenda, Tellum, in a fit of silliness, hires Johnnie Cochran, the man who re-educated America on murder, to defend Sprewell.

Tuesday, December 9th, brings the big culmination to part one of this saga: The Press Conference. In this corner, Sprewell, his agent, Cochran, his boy Elroy, daughter Judy, Jane...his wife. Bimbo Coles, Muggsy Bogues, Leapy Lee, the skipper and Mary Ann... In the opposing corner, common sense. Unfortunately this is represented by the media. Wisely, Spree is instructed not to answer any questions. The big question: If, as he says, he never had any trouble with any coach prior to Carlesimo, why wasn't it addressed that he has spent much of his career with coaches named Wimp and Nellie?

Are you wrapped up in the drama yet? On the edge of your seat? Well let's hit the reset button for a second. No matter what provoked Sprewell to play squeeze-toy with Coach's neck, no smoke-and-mirrors spin test can obscure the BIG FACT: Sprewell went back to cause further damage. Some would call this "pre-meditated." They would be right. I'd say that fact alone justifies a) the "rush to judgment" (Cochran's somehow familiar charge), and all penalties imposed. Meanwhile, the man-on-the-street can't get enough of the line: "Dude... If I choked my boss, I'd be fired for sure."