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BY bernadette noll
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CONFERENCING
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WEB RESOURCES
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Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples
Domestic Parternship Information from the Partners Task Force
Companies that Offer Benefits for Domestic Partners
Out.com Magazine
History of Gay and Lesbian Marriages
Pros and Cons of Legalizing Gay Marriages from U.S. News and World Report
Waldorf Resources Homepage
Waldorf Education FAQs
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At 23, my sister came out to my very Catholic, Depression-era parents. For those first 23 years of her life she carried on in a straight and orderly, though inexplicably painful, fashion. It was only when she recognized her homosexuality that the pain of wondering who she was diminished. For our parents however, her answers were the beginning of their questions.
What do you mean? How do you know? Who told you this? Where did you get such a notion? Why would you think such a thing? My sister did her best to answer the questions she thought actually warranted a response. But this lifestyle was not in our parents' realm of possibilities. This was the stuff of deviants and Other People's Families. With this most contemporary of family outings now on the table, my sister left for her own home.
In the coming months my sister sent our parents myriad publications on gay life. Titles on lesbianism, families of lesbians, parents of lesbians and whatever other lesbian lore she could find. My mother read each and every one, trying oh so hard to grasp this concept that had just been placed in her life. My mom's biggest problem was fear. Not for herself but for my sister. She feared that life would be too difficult as a lesbian. She feared my sister's feelings weren't true.
My mother had gone to a women's college in the forties. During her time in school she encountered women who tried to seduce her into their lifestyle. My sister went to this same college in the seventies. She assured my mom this was not where or how she made her discovery. Nobody twisted her arm, and after figuring it out, nobody could convince her otherwise.
Years went by, and my folks learned to accept that this was not a sexual deviation. My sister dated some women they liked and a few that they didn't. When Alma entered their home with women they didn't particularly care for, they remained silent, as they did when their other children brought home questionable partners. Our parents held firm in the belief that the less they protested the better. (This has proven very effective: Over the years we've all dropped the undesirables from our lives.)
More years went by, and my sister found an incredible life partner. Her partner is as much a member of the family as any one of us. My sister and her partner then went on to adopt two beautiful girls. Of course, because of the laws on the books, they couldn't adopt together but they could adopt as single women. In every way but on paper, they are a family to be admired.
To raise the girls my sister quit her job. Her partner is the breadwinner. Each does her part to make a harmonious home. The only problem now is insurance. My sister and one of the girls is not allowed on the family insurance policy provided by her partner's employer. It doesn't cost any more to have a four-person family policy than it does to have a two-person policy, but legally they are considered two families of two. They are living the lives many Republicans squawk for. One working, one staying at home, two children, no government aid. The only thing missing is the picket fence. But legally, they can't be a family.
Now, some twenty-odd years after my sister came out, it is not her lifestyle that upsets my folks but her situation as a result of her lifestyle. My mother still fears for my sister but for realistic reasons. "How could anybody not see that this is a loving family? How could they deny them the right to live as a family and be protected as such?" This from the same woman who once thought this "life" of my sister's a pressed, passing fad.
As is usually the case when visiting my folks, my last visit to New Jersey resulted in all of us sitting around the kitchen table for hours, drinking tea and talking: the state of our lives, the state of the union, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We spoke of the dilemma of my sister and the entire homosexual population. My mother spoke emphatically on the subject of coming out. "If it were not for your sister I would still be classifying homosexuals as THEM. I would think of them as people who, with a bit of counseling and maybe some medication, could and should be fixed. But by her coming out was I able to attach a face to the struggle and see clearly that this is truly a civil rights fight. Anybody who is gay and does not come out to their families is doing the gay community a great disservice." This from a good Catholic girl from Queens to all the world.
Want more? Check out Bernadette's interview with her sister Alma Noll.
Bernadette Noll is a freelance writer based in Austin, Texas. On being a full-time writer, she says, "My life is forever colored by ten years in the restaurant business. It's always in the back of my mind that there is only one letter difference between writer and waiter."
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