First, there was the muck-raking, unofficial biography by Jerry Oppenheimer. The goddess of the kitchen refused to talk to him for this book, but 400 of her closest friends were happy to blab. And they didn't blab nice, either — Martha-heads everywhere are calling for this book to be burned. Martha herself called the book a "hideous piece of yellow journalism."

So Martha's not perfect. Shocker. Did we need Jerry Oppenheimer to tell us that? "Serial Mom" did it once, and it was harsh, and funny, and perfect. In fact, recent reports that Martha trapped her neighbor against a wall with her car suggest the film wasn't even that exaggerated. The fighting's getting dirty down in the Hamptons.

A number of reviewers suggested that Oppenheimer's book has more to do with misogyny than with investigative journalism — after all, most of the charges he levels at her hover around the "she's not nice" theme. Like a woman in power has to be nice to her husband, her kids, and her neighbors. Oppenheimer appears very confused by a woman who chooses to be in the kitchen and then divorces her husband. What the hell is she doing in the kitchen if she's not cooking dinner for her man?

But I digress. I was talking about Martha Stewart, Domesticatrix. The Martha Millennium is just beginning. Are you showing early warning signs of affliction? Here's how to cope. It's tough being Martha, but that ain't nothing compared with life as a wanna-be.