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THE BEST WHITE FOR UNDER FIVE BUCKS:
Kronendal 1995 Sauvignon Blanc, South Africa:
This wine is extremely
fruity, and surprisingly dry for a cheap white wine. It begins
sweet in your mouth and turns lemony and tart, and -- despite the fact
that it was compared to lemon kool-aid, pixie stix, and "a little bit
like a spritzer" -- not sparkling, but very cool and refreshing. Even
the biggest wine snob said it "didn't suck."
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THE BEST TWO REDS FOR UNDER FIVE BUCKS:
Soleo, California:
Buy this one for the bottle, which is clear, with
pretty white and blue lettering painted directly onto the glass. (To quote the
label: "The name Soleo evokes the radiant sunshine that gave birth to this
new style of red wine -- light, fresh, and chillable.") This is a very
clear red; fruity but not too sweet. It lingers on the tongue, and
some of us even had seconds. People described it as "summery,"
"friendly" and "loquacious."
Avia 1990 Cabernet Sauvignon, Slovenia:
This wine is completely
different from the Soleo. It's best gulped out of the bottle, and we
suggest the magnum (six bucks, give or take a penny) to make it even
more cost-effective. (The magnum, however, comes with a screw cap, while individual bottles come with corks. Personally, we think the
screw-top has a certain charm.) This wine is throaty and
rough-edged, but not sour or bitter; almost creamy, with a very full-bodied
flavor. One taster noted that "Drinking Avia is a little like
listening to Muddy Waters," and then howled. It's best if you let it
breathe for a while -- open it and leave it overnight, perhaps. This is a
great party wine -- throw a party and hand out
bottles of Avia at the door. Hell, at three
bucks a bottle, it's cheaper than soda.
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THE REST OF THE WHITE WINES, FROM BEST TO WORST:
Cotes-du-Luberon 1993, France:
This one was drinkable. For a
two-dollar wine, it was better than we expected. It had strong
alcoholic vapors: Kara tried to use it to remove her nail polish.
It wasn't sour, though, and no one dumped their glass.
Rene Barbier, Mediterranean White:
This wine has a pretty seaside
watercolor on the label, and would probably make a good picnic wine.
It's a little sour; it's cooling, but we'd rather drink 7-Up. It's not
spectacularly bad, but neither is it spectacularly good.
La Bouverie 1994, Rhone, France:
Honestly, there isn't much to this
wine. The cork smelled like kerosene, but it doesn't taste like kerosene. We
found ourselves wondering if wine can go moldy.
La Vielle Ferme 1994, France:
This wine smells sweet and tastes sour,
which confused us. "Sort of like sweatsocks in late summer. Only
sharper." Many glasses were dumped.
Beringer 1994 White Zinfandel, California:
This white zinfandel is
actually pink, and the flavor is reminiscent of corn syrup. Amazingly sweet. You might be able to make it into popsicles. NB: this wine is not recommended for diabetics.
San Mateo 1992 Superiore, Italy:
While the label -- a neat
stained-glass design -- claims that this wine is dry and crisp, we
thought it tasted like vodka with none of vodka's redeeming qualities.
"This must be what barbers purify their combs and scissors in." This
wine has a weak flavor that's not very pleasant.
Chateau Diana 1993 Chenin Blanc, France:
The cupid on the label is
cute, but the wine is terrible. "This one has some uric acid in it." Or: "It tastes like the men's room of a sports bar on a Saturday night." Or: "rabbit urine." Very grape-y, incredibly pungent and sour.
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THE REST OF THE RED WINES, FROM BEST TO WORST:
Concha Y Toro, Chile:
This wine is edgy and very full-bodied, with
peppery overtones. The label looks classy, the bottle is large, and we think
it's hard to go wrong with this one. This is another wine that isn't hurt
by sitting open overnight; if you open the magnum and don't finish it, don't
worry about finding the cork to seal it. It's very robust, and goes well
with almost anything.
Domaine Rabat 1991 Cabernet Sauvignon, Central Chile:
This wine is
made from traditional French grapes, although they're grown in the Maipo valley
of Chile (the bottle label provides a map). At first taste the wine is pretty nondescript, although it
has a slightly bitter aftertaste, and a definite bite. Then again, sometimes
being bitten can be fun. The Domaine
Rabat has that five-dollar-wine charm; a little metallic, sorta fruity, but
certainly drinkable.
Fortant de France 1993 Cabernet Sauvignon, France:
This wine is very
dry and a little on the bitter side. It's somewhat nondescript, though the
label has snazzy gold print. We found this wine to be extremely mellow, and we
recommend serving it with rice-a-roni. Not a bad table wine.
Haskovo Region 1989 Merlot, Bulgaria:
This wine is very drinkable, a
little musty but pleasantly mellow. The flavor is a little smoky, but no
vinegar flavor at all; this one actually has some tannin in it. For
$1.99, it's a real catch. Drink while reading heavy philosophy.
Borsao/Campo de Borja, Spain:
This wine has a slightly bitter
aftertaste, but it's a fairly full-bodied red table wine. "It's
well-balanced, unlike most of the people I hang out with." The flavor
hits you at the front of the tongue; it's certainly not bad.
Marquis de Chasse 1992 Bordeaux, France:
This comes from the
charmingly-named winery Chateau Chasse de Spleen, and it's a pretty
unpleasant and watery wine. It's all edge and no flavor, and it smells
strangely like melon. "Fruit lovers will be pleased to know that no
grapes were harmed during the production of this wine."
Paul Masson Cabernet Sauvignon, California:
This wine comes in a reusable jug that could double as a flower vase. Bonus! It's too sweet to be a proper
cabernet sauvignon, but it's not bad. Surprisingly drinkable.
Cotes du Luberon 1993 Red:
Sharp but drinkable, this wine is fairly
tasty, and it's certainly better than the white that this winery puts out. Some found it watered-down and edgy; others thought it pretty decent. We wouldn't necessarily pay money for
it, but it's potable.
Sutter Home 1993 Cabernet Sauvignon, California:
There's really
nothing to this wine. It's a very laid-back wine; slightly tart, but
mostly just nondescript. "Rat on a stick." Pretty boring.
Gallo Rose, California:
This one is fizzy, it's Fanta with a kick. "It made me want to wash my tongue." Drinking it in
gulps is not recommended, although it would probably make a decent
sangria, if doctored enough.
Gallo Burgundy, California:
This wine is extremely sour and sulphury,
with a moldy aroma that assails the nose. Don't roll it around on your
tongue; most of us poured out our glasses after one sip. It was
described alternately as "sickly," "wretched," and "wilted celery."
Don't buy this. Don't even drink it if it's free.
Chantifleur 1993 Cabernet Sauvignon, France: Some found this pleasantly harsh; most thought it acrid and bitter.
"This is a wine you buy to go to a dinner party thrown by someone you don't
like." Edgy and biting.
Old Duke 1995, Upstate New York:
This one smells like cough syrup.
It tries to be Mad Dog 20/20, but fails. Still, it's strangely
comforting; several of us felt warm and fuzzy after a couple of sips.
It tastes a lot like fermented Welch's grape juice.
Mad Dog 20/20 Red Grape Flavor:
This one wins the award for absolute
worst red wine ever invented. It smells and tastes like a cross between
Robitussin and Manischevitz. Amazingly
sweet. "It tastes like it's
trying to cure me of something." If you're drinking this, you're not a
wine drinker; hide the bottle in a brown paper bag.
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