Alma Noll
interviewed by Bernadette Noll
Web Resources:
Gay and Lesbian Resources
Partners Task Force for Gay and Lesbian Couples
Domestic Parternship Information from the Partners Task Force
Companies that Offer Benefits for Domestic Partners
Out.com Magazine
History of Gay and Lesbian Marriages
Pros and Cons of Legalizing Gay Marriages from U.S. News and World Report
Waldorf Resources Homepage
Waldorf Education FAQs
This week's profile is Alma Regina Noll, a sister of mine. You can read more about Alma in Family Outings. I was introduced to Alma Noll when I was born -- she was twelve. In addition to being my sister, she was appointed as my godmother.
The first years of her life, Alma will be the first to admit that she "walked in a very straight and orderly fashion." Now, though somewhat orderly, she is certainly not straight. She lives in Wisconsin with her partner of ten years, Melani, and their two daughters Zoe and Maia. Alma stays home to care for the two girls, and is helping to start the Three Rivers Waldorf School in Wisconsin.
Bernadette Noll: Who are you?
Alma Noll: There's a long answer to that but let's just say that I am an extremely happy, extremely busy 43-year-old. I am the second daughter of nine children and mother of two beautiful daughters. I've been with my partner, Melani, for almost ten years, and that's a large part of my being so happy. We live in semi-rural Wisconsin on the Mississippi River.
BN: You're staying home now with your two daughters. How do you like that?
AN: I'm surprised to say that I love it! When I first lost my job, almost a year ago, and decided to stay home full-time, I thought I would really miss my part-time job. But the more I get into the rhythm of home life with all its complexities, the more I enjoy it. It took me a while to get organized here. It's very different than being home part-time, and I had to find the routines and rhythms that would work for us. Now I'm trying to figure out a way to stay home for at least three more years!
BN: Do you ever miss working outside the home?
AN: Like I said, I thought I would miss my job. It was stressful, but very exciting and challenging. Now I can see how it created stress in our home life and I feel that losing my job was the best thing that could have happened for our family. It forced me to stay home and figure out a way, financially, to make that happen. I probably wouldn't have quit my job, thinking that we couldn't afford to live on one income. But the trade-offs of a more sane life and more sane children are definitely worth the loss of income.
I am very involved with the Waldorf School we're starting so I get lots of adult interaction during the week. I think that really helps maintain my sense of being involved in the world outside the home.
BN: How were you able to legally adopt? Did you and Melani do it together?
AN: Melani and I are each the legal parent of one of our daughters. At this time the only way for lesbians to adopt in most states is as a single parent. We didn't hide the fact that we live together, we just didn't come out and state that we are partners. I'm sure the agencies in both cases knew our situation, but in Wisconsin it is against the law to discriminate against homosexuals, so they didn't ask us any questions about it. We would love to give our daughters the legal protection of having both of us be legal parents, but at this time it's not possible. We have power of attorney for each other which gives us the right to make decisions for both of the girls. At this time it's the closest we can come to being legal parents for both of them. We also have wills which designate each other as guardians for the girls if anything should happen to us. Our families are both very supportive so we feel comfortable that they would follow our wishes in case of a death.
BN: Do you think in the near future lesbian couples will be allowed to legally adopt? Or do you see it going the other way?
AN: It seems to be going in both directions at the same time these days. In some states gay and lesbian couples may apply for adoption together. In other states couples have been granted second parent adoption, which allows the non-legal parent to become a legal parent without the first one giving up their parental rights. (That hasn't happened in Wisconsin yet -- we plan to pursue that in a few years.) And yet in other states, children are being taken away from their parent after the death of the "legal parent." In one case recently, after the death of their mother, two adolescent boys were given to their biological father whom they hadn't seen since they were toddlers. Their other mother, who was the only other parent they had ever known, was not even granted visitation rights. And this was in spite of the wishes of the boys to remain with her. The father stepped in after he learned that the boys would be receiving social security payments. Does this sound like it was in the "best interests of the children"?
I could ramble on about this, but the answer to your question is "it depends on where you live." Things should not be so uncertain for these children. There are thousands of families headed by gay and lesbian couples whose children do not have the protections they need to remain intact as families.
BN: I know that since you're not working you are uninsured. Why are you not allowed on Melani's insurance?
AN: Another ridiculous situation! Melani has family insurance through her job. However it only covers her and Zoe, our oldest daughter, since she is Zoe's legal parent. Despite the fact that Melani is the "breadwinner" in this family, she cannot put us on her insurance because we are not married. But we can't get married because that's not legal. So at this time Maia and I are uninsured. It would cost her employer nothing more to insure us since she already has the family plan.
BN: Is there anything you're doing to change that?
AN: On the local level, we're working with Melani's employer to try and get insurance coverage. We were told once that it was not possible, but we will try and get something done with the next union contract. They have an anti-discrimination clause in their contract and this certainly seems to fit the definition of discrimination.
We are also visible in our community and talk with people about the situation. I think it helps to get allies wherever you can and everyone we have talked with sees this situation as ridiculous. We have become much more visible as lesbians now that we have children. It's just very matter-of-fact to come out to people we interact with on a daily basis; with doctors, schools, babysitters, and neighbors. This helps to make us just another type of family in their eyes and we have experienced literally no problems with being treated as a family unit in our community.
BN: Is there anything we can do to change that in our own communities?
AN: Yes, first just be aware of the incredible variety of family types in your community. The need is not just for insurance benefits, but support for families of all shapes and sizes. The typical two-parent family hardly exists anymore and we need to make sure that legislation is not passed that makes it harder for all the other types of families to survive. Also, be supportive of legislation that would recognize either domestic partnerships or gay and lesbian couples as families. How could it possibly be wrong for a child to have two loving parents whether they are married or not, whether they are the same sex or not?
I was at a class last week and met a woman there who spoke to me about her 2 1/2 year old daughter. Since my daughter is the same age we had a nice conversation about mothering styles, difficulties with toddlers, the usual stuff that parents talk about. We had a lot in common, read many of the same books, and had the same kind of alternative ideas on health care. After lunch I looked more closely at her T-shirt and realized that it said "Promise Keepers" on it. The Promise Keepers advocate strong "family values," which means they don't like homosexuality, women at work, and a whole variety of "liberal" ideas. I thought that if this woman knew I was a lesbian, she probably would have been horrified. Yet we had so much in common. I didn't have another chance to talk to her and missed my opportunity to do some education. But it showed me again that we are more the same than different.
BN: Tell me about this school you've started. Did you start it yourselves? Why start a whole school?
AN: We are working with a group of about 10 families to start a Waldorf School. We just opened our preschool/kindergarten this September and hope to add a first grade next year.
There's so much to say about Waldorf education, but I think the following sums it up: "Waldorf schools honor and protect the wonder of childhood. Every effort is expended to make Waldorf schools safe, secure and nurturing environments for the children, and to protect their childhoods from harmful influences from the broader society."
You can hear more of Alma's story in Family Outings.
