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Knee Slappers and Guffaws
bugtussle: One night Rush Limbaugh was riding in his limousine on a country road. Suddenly, a pig ran out in the road and the driver just couldn't avoid it. SLAM! The pig was dead. The chauffeur noticed a farmhouse and went to tell the farmer that he had run over one of his livestock. The chauffer didn't return until the next morning. When the chauffer returned Rush asked him,"What took you so long?!" "Well," said the chauffeur,"when I got to the farmhouse and the farmer found out who I was, his wife cooked me a great 7 course meal, he gave me a delicious cigar to smoke, and he offered his beautiful daughter to me for the night. I just couldn't say no." "Wow!" said Rush, "who did you tell them you were?" The chauffeur replied,"I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I'd just killed the pig!" FredV: A lady owned a parrot who swore all the time. She could not get this parrot to stop swearing. She finally called the Vet and asked if he could help. He said "Sure, just take your parrot and put him in the freezer for exactly three minutes. He'll stop." So, she took the parrot and put him in for exactly three minutes. She opened the door and asked "Now, are you going to stop saying all those bad words?" The parrot said "Yes Ma'am, I sure am. I just have one question though. What'd that turkey in there do?" rockq2: A Mexican fireman and his wife had identical twins.They named their first son Jose. What did they name the second son? Hose b. TJBad: There were three guys and they were flying over their country in a hot air balloon. The first one said "I love my country" and he threw down a gold star. The second one said "I love my country" and he threw down a silver star. The third one said "I hate my country" and he threw down a grenade. When they landed, the first one found a boy crying and he asked him "Why are you crying""A star fell out of the sky and hit my dad and he died." The second one found a boy crying and the same thing happenned. The third found a boy laughing and he said "Why are laughing""My dad farted and the house blew up!" RBLANOUE: A priest, a rabbi and a Baptist minister went fishing. They rented a boat and set out. Around lunch, the rabbi says, "I'm hungry. I'm going to get a sandwich." He jumps out of the boat, walks on top of the water and gets his sandwich. He then returns. The priest is baffled but doesn't say anything. Later, the Baptist minister says, "I'm thirsty." He jumps out of the boat and runs across the top of the water. He returns the same way. The priest is now very puzzled. The priest then says "We're almost out of bait, I'll go get some." He looks up in the sky then jumps out of the boat and sinks. The rabbi looks at the minister and says, "Maybe we should've told him where the rocks were!".
Bebox: Q. How many IBM technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Karen Sutton: The old farmer saw his dog laying in the field. The dog looked dead. He called a vet. The vet looked at the dog. He went back to his car and pulled out a cage. he set the cage on the ground, then opened it. A cat came out. The cat walked around the dog three times and sniffed, then went back into the cage. The vet told the farmer. "Well, your dog is dead. " Then he handed the farmer a bill for $360.00. "What's this for?" the farmer asked. "You didn't do anything." "Well, the vet said, "it's $60.00 for me coming out here and $300.00 for the cat scan."
Steelfu: Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
delkon: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
naving: Why do farts smell?
JKL: Why did Noah have to get after the birds on the Ark? Klig: Young Garry asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies, "That's none of your business." Then he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your business. Finally, he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets angry at this point and sends him off to play. Garry goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. Later, Garry approaches his Grandma and says "I know that you are 64 years old, and you weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is because you got an "F" in Sex!"
fly_boy: Q: What did the zen-buddhist say to the New York hot dog vendor? JDuffy: A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string." So the string goes outside, cuts both its ends off, ties itself up and goes back in and orders a beer. The bartender says "I can't serve you, you're a piece of string" and the string says "No, I'm a frayed knot." keithjo: Did you hear that someone threw a beer at President Clinton after his acceptance speech the other night. Luckily it was a draft and he had no problem dodging it!
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