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Knee Slappers and Guffaws from 9/20/96 Guffaws of the Week 9/20/96 Daedalus: Q: What is the German word for constipation? A: Farfroempoopen SCHLOTZSKY: A mushroom walked into a bar.The bartender said "We don't serve mushrooms here" The mushroom said, "What's wrong with me? I'm a fungi!" Daedalus: Q: Did you hear about Salman Rushdie's new book? A: It's called "Buddha, You Fat Bastard" Knee Slappers of the Week 9/20/96 Skully: Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa! wstrouts: A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender says "We don't serve whiskey to no damn string in this bar." So the string says "Well, ok, i'll just have a beer." And the bartender replies "Look, BOY, we don't serve nothin' to your type here, now get out." So the string goes outside, unwinds several inches of both of his ends, tangles himself into a jumble, and goes back into the bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Ain't you that damn string that was just in here?", To which the string replies, "No i'm a frayed knot" Bronwen: There was a blonde who wanted to go ice fishing, so she went out to the nearest frozen lake. There she set up her stool, pored a hot mug of cappucino, and began to cut a hole in the ice. Suddenly this voice says,"Don't cut a hole there!". A little scared the blonde moved a bit further down the ice and began to set up again. When she began to cut another hole in the ice the voice came again,"DON'T CUT A HOLE THERE!" Now severely frightened, the blonde moved to the other end of the lake. She begins to cut another hole. The voice comes again,"DO NOT CUT A HOLE THERE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" The blonde looked around bewildered and asked,"Who are you? GOD!?". The voice replied,"No you dumb blonde, I own the !@#%* ice rink." Germinator: Q. How do you make a venetian blind? A. Poke him in the eyes Germinator: Q. How do you make anti-freeze? A. Hide her thermal underwear Germinator: Q. Why was the blond fired from the M & M factory? A. She kept on throwing away the W's JohnNichols: A genetic engineering company in Seattle recently perfected a gene-splicing technique that successfully combined the DNA of an animal with that of a fruit. There first combination was Lassie the Dog combined with a cantaloupe. The resultant offspring was a "melon-collie baby". tracyo: What did the hippie say when he ran out of pot? This music sucks man! lbadge: Outside the bathroom you're an American, what are you when you go in the bathroom? European Headcase: A guy walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano out of one pocket, and a little guy out of the other pocket. The little guy sits at the piano and begins to play beautifully. The barman says "Cool! Where did you get him?", and the man replies "Well, I found this lamp and I got a wish when I rubbed it". "Wow" said the barman, "Can I have a go?". So the man hands the lamp to the barman who rubs it and says "I want a million bucks". There is a flash of lightning, and the bar is filled with ducks. "Whats going on here, I didn't ask for a million ducks" and the man says "I know, and I didn't ask for a twelve inch pianist either... nadiyana: A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." Snowfall: Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell? A: Duuuung. davidbaker: A three legged dog walks into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Germinator: Q. What do you call it when a blond dyes her hair brown? A. Artificial Intelligence BranFlake: How can you tell when a blonde has been at the computer? There is white-out all over the screen! dotdot: Q: What do you get, when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A: You get A Flat Minor. bheyman: Q: What goes, "Clop, clop, clop-" BANG! "-Clop, clop, clop...."? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. olio: Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac. He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog. mylar: Bill Gates had a one night stand with Divine Brown (of Hugh Grant infame). After they had sex, Bill says, "Now I know why you call yourself Divine!" and Divine says "And *I* know why you call your company microsoft."