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Knee Slappers and Guffaws from 10/18/96 Guffaws of the Week 10/18/96 otrem: First guy: How do you get a Blonde pregnant? Second guy: I don't know. First guy: And you thought Blondes were dumb. thumperd: A blonde tired of being blonde dies her hair brown. Later she drives down a country lane and stops as a flock of sheep cross the road. She says to the shepherd, if I can guess the number of sheep in your flock could I have one? The shepherd says yes, the blonde guesses 132, the number is correct. She picks the cutest friendliest sheep and says thanks to the shepherd. The shepherd asks, if I can guess your real hair color can I have my dog back? Teena: A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked to pilot how those people helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, like their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." Knee Slappers of the Week for 10/18/96 PeachCan: Q. What does DNA stand for? A. National Dyslexia Association. BombayRoll: What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! SILLYJOE: Q. Why did the polar bear take a bath in tide? A. Because it was too cold to take a bath out"tide". jmd: Q: Where does a king keep his armies? A: Up his sleevies. AudioAdrenaline: Dyslexics of the world! UNTIE!!! Wolvengrrl: What's the definition of a eunuch? A man cut out for his job. JGolden: A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happenned. then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed , touched , and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: "Dear GOD , thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and , as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00." Bill_Yellin: Two people in wheelchairs in a nursing home's day room. The guy leans over and says, "Hey cutie, bet ya can't guess how old I am!" She says "Bet I can! Unzip your fly." She plunges a hand in there, and to his shock and obvious pleasure, mucks around for about fifteen minutes. Then she zips him up and says "You're 91." He's amazed. and breathless. "How did you know that?" "You told me yesterday". MikeFriganiotis: Mr. Smooth and a guy with a bad stutter get a job at the same time, selling bibles. After the first week, Mr. Smooth has sold 4 bibles, while the stutterer has sold 44! "How did you do so well?" asked Mr. Smooth. "W-w-well," said the stutterer, "I-I-I g-g-go to the h-h-house, and p-p-put my f-f-foot in the d-d-d-door w-w-when it's o-o-opened. Th-th-th-then I s-s-s-say: "H-h-h-hello, I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-selling b-b-b-bibles, w-w-would y-y-you l-l-l-like to b-b-buy one, or w-w-w-would you r-r-rather h-h-have m-m-m-me r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-you?" Mooreyameen: This joke came from the story behind a Chinese proverb: Scene: Ancient China. A man suddenly made a fortune in his business so he decided to bury his money in the woods. To prevent people from digging his money up, he put down a sign where he buried his money, saying: "There is no three hundred liang's here!" (Liang being the ancient Chinese currency). One day, his neighbour, Ah Er, found the sign and dug up the money. Ah Er, fearing his neighbour would find out that he stole the money, then put up a sign on his front door saying: "Your neighbour Ah Er does not steal!" JRamirez: A man walks into a hospital to see a doctor because the doctor told the man to come in for important news. They sit down alone. The doctor says, "I have bad news and then I have really bad news. What do you want first?" The man says the bad. The doctor says, "You have a rare disease and you only have 24 hours to live." The man says, "OH NO!!! What could be worse than that!!!" The doctor says, "I was suppose to tell you yesterday." Lelacargill: What do you call a man with no arms, and no legs that falls into wet cement? A. "Phil" MrWheeler: Q: How many Borgs does it take to change a lightbulb? A: NONE - THE BULB WILL BE ASSIMILATED - RESISTANCE IS FUTILE MCCRACKEN: I have a dog. He has no legs. I call him "Cigarette". Every night, I take him out for a drag. CBIII: What do you call a dog with no legs? Why call him? He can't come. RCalvert: Q. Why did the snails paint S's on top of all the cars? A. They wanted to see the S-car go! Gadj: On Mother's day, a young man went to the pet store and asked the owner what he would suggest as a pet for his aged Mother who lived by herself. The owner said, "If she's lonely, I have a parrot sitting on the roost over there that can speak eight languages fluently and should make an excellent companion for an old lady, but the price is $5000.00." After thinking it over, the son had the man deliver the bird to her house and waited for a call from his Mother. A few weeks went by and he finally called her and asked if she had gotten anything new lately? She said, "Why yes, a couple of weeks ago a man delivered a bird." The son asked her what she thought of the bird and she said, "He was delicious!" After a long pause he said "Mom, that parrot cost $5000.00 and spoke 8 languages!" "So why didn't he say something?" answered the old lady. blou: A man herding cattle comes to a lake & asks an old man fishing on the side, "Do ya think the water's shallow enough for my cattle to cross?" The old man looks at the cows' legs & says, "Well 'course it is, don't be ridiculous." So the man starts to drive his cattle across the water & one by one the cows sink. After rescuing his cows, the man yells "Why did you lie to me? Why did you say that I could cross?" And the old man replies, "I don't understand. Just before y'all got here a duck with itty bitty legs walked right across." MyCatsMom: Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A: Because they taste funny. quacky: So I'm at the Italian restaurant, and I can't really tell whether I'm Anti-pasta or Pro-volone.... jlstanton: A young man heard about a hermit who lived in a remote cave in Himalayas who knew the secret of eternal life, and he set off to learn the secret. The trip was very hard, and it took many months to reach the mountain top cave where the hermit lived. The young man arrived half dead with his clothes in tatters. Gasping for breath in the thin mountain air, he asked, "Oh wise teacher, is it true? If I give up women, give up drink, give up food, and shun all earthly pleasures, will I live forever?" The hermit smiled and replied, "No..... but it will feel like it." editron: Q: If a Minnesotan married a Palestinian, what would they name their firstborn son? A: Yasir Youbetcha. attilio: A woman was riding in the aisle seat of a train. A young man was occupying the window seat. suddenly the urge to break wind became too great to contain. "How embarrassing it would be," she thought, "if that nice young man beside me were to hear me do it." She squirmed in her seat until she assumed a position which would insure a silent passing of air. "What a great relief," she mused, "and not a sound." Sadly, within seconds, came the realization that it was a stinker. "Oh my heavens! This man is going to be sure it was I who created that awful odor." "Perhaps," she continued thinking, "if I spoke casually to him instead of looking guilty, he will believe it to be coming from another source. So, she put on her most innocent face and asked. "Pardon me sir, is that today's paper you are reading?" He replied, "Yes ma`am, it is." She said, "May I have a part of it?" "No!" he said, "but the next tree we pass I will grab a handful of leaves for you. NORRIS: One afternoon a VERY old man walks into the sun room of the rest home he lives in with a huge smile on his face. "What are you smiling about?" asks an old lady. "Today's my birthday," replied the old gent. "and I bet you can't tell how old I am." "Oh yes I can," said the old lady. "Take you clothes off and turn around!" The old guy was puzzled but did what he was told. "OK, now turn around the other way." instructed the old gal. After he had done what she told him to do, he stood there in all his glory and asked, "Well, how old am I?" The old woman looked him dead in the eye and replied, "You are exactly 92 years old." "You're right!" cried the old man, shaking his head in disbelief. "How did you know?" "Oh it was nothing." she said. "You told me this morning at breakfast." mblange: Bob's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with his wife. He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor came up to him. Her doctor said:"These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy." Well... Bob thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and they talked for about 3 hours. After awhile he asked her if there was anything that he could do for her. She thought for a little bit and said, make love to me. He thought this was a little weird, but since It might be one of the last times he see's her he decided to comply. The next day he cam in, and her doctor said that she was starting to recover, and he should do whatever he did yesterday. Well.. he walked in and they talked, and she requested to make love again, and he again, complied. After about 5 days of this she had fully recovered, and was able to go home. She walked into a room to see that Bob was crying. She said,"What's the matter? I'm fine now. You have nothing to worry about." He replied,"I know, but all this time I can't stop thinking that, I could have saved Mom!" avonsales: This guy walks into a bar, he sits down, and orders a drink. Unfortunately he doesn't have the money to pay for it, well, he's sitting there, and then a dude who's been there a while, and is now EXTREMELY drunk walks over and sits down. He says, "Y'know, in THIS wind, you can climb to the top of the Empire State Building, jump off, and the wind will blow you right back on the building" "No way, you liar." "I swear." "I doubt it!" "Look, if I buy you a drink, will you try it?" "Uh, okay, I guess." So the guy buys the other a drink, after they both finish they go up to the top of the ESB. The guy turns and says, "Okay, now, jump off!" "No, you go first." "Fine!" So, he jumps off and the wind blows him back on, does this three times, then turns and says, "Your turn!" The first guy jumps off the ESB, falls down to the street and kersplats!! The second guy walks back to the bar, sits down and the Bartender turns and says, "Y'know, Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!!" jdub: What is the difference between beer and piss? One is a malt beverage the other has uric acid in it. mlspeer: Three men are out fishing in the sea, a preacher, used car salesman, and a lawyer. After about an hour of fishing they run out of bait. The used car salesman says he'll swim to shore and get more bait. As soon as he gets half way, he is eaten by sharks. The lawyer then turns and says he'll go. He jumps in, swims to shore, gets the bait, and then returns. The preacher astonished asked, "Why weren't you eaten?" The lawyer replied, "Professional courtesy." Boogle: Q: Which island was the biggest before people discovered Greenland? A: Greenland Boogle: Q: How long can the Bear run into the forest? A: To the middle after that it runs out again Cheri: Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug,and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice bodies," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?" silique: what do the yankees and michael jackson have in common ???????? they both need a twelve year old boy to score !!!!!!!! rgpowers: A family lived in Moscow ,on the top floor of a seven floor walkup apartment. The mother gives her son some money and tells him to go and buy the 3 daily papers. when the boy gets down to the first floor he meets his father. "Where are you going,"asks his father. "To the store to buy the newspapers ". says the son. "Papers ,we dont need newspapers," he says. "Tell your mother we have a radio ,and forget the papers! The kid runs back up, and tells his mother what his father said. "Keep the money his mother says, and buy the papers. And you tell your father to 'WIPE HIS ASS WITH THE RADIO!! giggy: A man and his wife are playing golf one day when the man hits the ball into the trees. After they find the man's ball, his wife says, "If you hit the ball right through that little space in the trees, it will roll right onto the green." So the man swings and the ball hits a tree, ricochets right back and hits his wife in the forehead, killing her instantly. Years later, a friend of the man's finally convinces him to play golf again. The man winds up hitting the ball right into the same area of the woods as he did that day with his wife. His friend says, "If you hit the ball into that little space there, it'll roll right onto the green." The man says, "Oh no! The last time I did that, I bogeyed!" woodham: A farmer and his wife are about to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. the farmer decides to get his wife an electric blanket. he goes to a department store and ask the clerk for help. She wants to know how many btus. He replies "I want a btu big enough to cover a butt as big as a tub." sgdempsey: Q. What do you call a dog with no tongue? A. Smelly bollocks. Lovagirl: A new priest at his first Mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the homily, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after Mass, he found the following note on his door Sip the vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked of his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body," he did not say," Eat me." The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub yeah god." Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's." I guess some people just can't hold their liquor!!! JACKER:Why did the cow cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken. SmokeDog: Q: What do you call a man with no legs, no arms in a swimming pool? A: Bob!! Peterling: D.A.M.M. Drunks Against Mad Mothers. Peterling: D.A.M. Mothers Against Dyslexia Peterling: Full count, two outs, runner on 3rd, down by 1 run, Greg Maddux on the mound, Alex Rodriguez at the plate, 7th game of the World Series, the pitch, and Alex hits a game ending grounder..........................................................that landed 423 feet away in the second deck. Rebound: A chicken walks into a library, struts up to the librarian, and says, "Book-Book, Book-Book!" The librarian hands it a book. The chicken walks out the door with the book in its beak. The next day, the chicken returns, goes up to the librarian, and says, "Book-Book,Book-Book!" The librarian gives it another book. The chicken walks out the door. The next day, the chicken returns, says "Book-Book,Book-Book!" This time, the librarian gives it the book and follows it out the door. The chicken takes a turn, goes down to the park, walks up to a huge green bullfrog, drops the book at the frog's feet. The frog looks down at the book, looks at the chicken and says, "Readit, Readit!" sgdempsey: A sadist and a masochist meet to satisfy their carnal desires. The masochist gives the sadist a whip and says "Beat me, beat me until I beg for mercy, then beat me some more" The sadist says "No".