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christinejohnson: There's this farmer, see, with 3 daughters. One day, the farmer is sitting in his big chair watchin' tv, when there's a knock on the door. He gets up and answers it, and standing before him is a nice lookin' young man. The man says, "My name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up Betty, were going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer calls for Betty, and they leave. Just as the farmer is getting settled into his chair, there's another knock on the door. He answers it, and standing before him is another nice lookin' young man. The man says, "My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer calls for Flo, and they leave. Once again, before the farmer can get comfortable in his chair there's a knock on the door. He answers it, and the nice lookin' man says "Hi my name's Chuck", and the farmer pulls out his gun and shoots him! DLYESSIC: A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." randyman: A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." loookie: A little old lady totters into a sex shop, asking the man behind the counter in a stammering voice,"D-do you s-sell v-v-vibrators h-here?" The clerk replies,"Of course we do, ma'am." The old lady asks,"D-d-do you sell tho-those r-really big ones wi-with the b-b-ba-batteries in th-them?" "Yes, ma'am," he relies."We certainly do." "We-well,"she says,"h-how d-do I sh-sh-shut it o-off?" AudioAdrenaline: One day President Clinton was taking a Helicopter tour of Seattle and said,"Let's thrown a $100 bill out the window and make somebody happy." Hillary said, "No, let's throw five $20 bills out the window and make five people happy." Then the pilot turned around and said "How about I throw you both out the window and make everybody happy?"
wb7cyo: Q: How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Diamonds: Q: What is the most popular bra size in a retirement community?
BombayRoll: What do you call a bear with one ear missing?
FUTCH: Two old ladies sitting on the beach notice a pretty young woman coming out of the water wearing a bikini. She strolls onto the beach and reaches into her bikini top and pulls out a cigarette and lights it. The two ladies walk over to her and ask her how she was able to pull a dry cigarette from her bikini after just emerging from the water. The girl said that she keeps them in a condom to keep them dry. A few days later the two old ladies are in a drugstore and decide to buy some condoms for the same purpose. They ask the clerk for some condoms. He asks them what size they need. After thinking a moment, one of the ladies says, "We only need one big enough for a Camel." Levita: There was a government plane that was about to crash. The pilot made an announcement saying, "Unless some of you jump off the plane, we will all perish." An Independent was so brave that he got up, yelled, "Long live the Independent Party," and jumped off the plane. A Democrat got up and yelled, "Long the Democratic Party," and jump off the plane. Then a Republican got up and yelled, "Long live the Republican Party," and pushed another Democrat. . . Roberta_: A women and her husband went to the men's clothing store to buy a suit. The clerk brought out a blue suit and asked if he liked it. The wife spoke up and said, "No, bring out another one." So the clerk brought out 4 more suits and every time, the wife said, "No, I don't like it, bring another one out." The clerk let out a sigh, and asked the husband, "Isn't this suit for you?" The husband replied, "The coat is for me, but the pants are for her." jgettys: One day God decided society wasn't working so he called the three most influential people of the 90's: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates. He told them, "Society isn't working and so I've decided to destroy the world in 7 days. I'm going to let you go back down and spread the news." Bill Clinton returns to the White House and tells his advisors, "I have bad and worse news. The bad news is I won't get to be re-elected and the worse news is the world's going to be destroyed in seven days." Boris Yeltsin goes back and says, "I have okay news and bad news. The okay news is we won't have any more problems with our government. The worse news is the world us going to be gone in 7 days." But Bill gates goes back to Microsoft and says, "I have good news and great news. The good news is I am one of the 3 most influential people in the world. The great news is we dont have to worry about fixing windows 95!!!!!!"
PeachCan: A man walks into a bar, what does he say?
A second man walks into the bar, what does he say?
GrahamV: One day, a kid went up to the teacher. MikeFriganiotis: A woman visited the doctor and said, "My husband is too physical! Every night after supper, he races me off to the bedroom and makes wild, passionate love to me." The doctor said, "Here, pop this sedative into his coffee, and he'll calm right down." The woman returned a couple of days later and said to the doctor, "I did as you said, and popped the pill into his coffee. No sooner had he finished, he sprang up, grabbed me, tore my clothes off me, pulled the tablecloth off the table sending crockery and cutlery everywhere, put me on the table, and made wild passionate love to me!" "Let me check those pills I gave you," said the doctor, "oh, I made a mistake - I gave you energizer tablets, and not tranquilizers. Here are the correct tablets, and I guess the least I can do is to pay you for the broken crockery." The woman replied, "No, don't worry - we won't be going back to that restaurant anymore....."
chrisrosa: Q: What's Irish and sits on your lawn?
wachman: Q:If a psychiatrist and a lawyer jumped off
the Empire State Building at the same time,
who would get killed first?
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