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MichaelClark: Once there was a family of Russet potatoes...a father, a mother, and a daughter. The daughter was grown up now, and ready to go out into the world. Before I continue, you have to understand something about Russet potatoes. They have an INCREDIBLE ego problem. No other potatoes can compete with them. Anyway, the daughter is ready to leave, but before she goes her parents make her promise that before she gets married, she will call home and tell them about it. She agrees and leaves. A few years later, the parents get a phone call. "Guess what, Mom and Dad! I'm engaged to be married! Can I have your blessing?" "That's wonderful," responded the mother. "Of course you can." "WAIT A MINUTE!" interrupted the husband. "Who is the groom?" "It's Bob Costas, dad. Can I have your blessing?" replied the daughter. "Definitely not. No way." says dad. Dumbfounded, the daughter simply asks why. Dad responds, "He's just a commentator." Chiniceguy: A blind man and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar. The man picks up his dog by the tail and starts swinging him around in a circle over his head. Disturbed by this, the bartender goes over to the man and asks if he can help. The man answers, "No thanks, just looking around." grok: The other day I was sitting in the doctor's office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didn't even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left. About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, "Doctor, what on earth happened in there?" The doctor replied, "Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant." "Pregnant? A nun? That's impossible!", said the nurse. "I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups." sgdempsey: If a politician and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? maxthecat: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 462. Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, 53 to design a block grant so that states can change the bulb, 41 to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead...
J_Mar: Q: Why didn't the Polish Water Polo team go to the Olympics? loookie: As a city slicker is talking to a farmer, a pig with a wooden leg walks past. The man stares as the pig goes by. The farmer sees this and says,"I see you noticed my pig." "Yes",the man replies. "I've never seen anything like that before." "You're darn tootin' you haven't! Last fall I was asleep in my bed and the house caught fire. That pig broke through my window and drug me out by my collar. He saved my life!" "That's amazing!" replied the city boy. "You think that's something? One day this spring I was plowing out back and the tractor rolled and caught on fire.I was pinned underneath.That pig come and drug me out from under it. Saved my life again!" "Incredible! Did he lose his leg saving you?" "No. When you got you a pig like that you can't find it in you to eat him all at once." hamblett: Soon after he became Pope, John Paul II came to America. Upon his return to the Vatican a reporter asked the Pontiff what he thought of the U.S. The Pope said he thought America was fine but that there were two things that he didn't like. "What are they?" asked the reporter. "Well," said JP, "The first is all the Polish jokes. They are mean and offensive." "True, true," the reporter murmured. "But tell me, what was the other thing you didn't like. "M&M;'s," the Pope said. "M&M;'s!" exclaimed the reporter. "What didn't you like about them? "They are too hard to peel," replied his holiness. Zizzer: A picture is worth a thousand words and takes just about as long to load. AudioAdrenaline: California Raisins Murdered, Cereal Killer Suspected!
DonHayward: Why can't a lawyer ever find his car keys?
tmitchel: Q. Do you know who Alexander Graham Kisielewski was? tmitchel: At the last Olympics a friend spotted an Olympic athlete in a local restaurant. So he went up and asked the athlete, "Say, aren't you a pole vaulter?" The athlete responded in surprise, "No, I'm Ukrainian, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Diamonds: Q. Why aren't phone books used in China? sent: At a world convention, the three best swordsmen in the world were there to show their skill. The third best swordsman in the world was put into a glass cage and a fly was released. In one giant might swing, he sliced the fly neatly into two pieces. The crowd went wild. The second swordsman in the world was put into a similar cage, but he sliced the fly into four pieces with two giant swings of his mighty sword. The crowd went even wilder. A hush fell over the crowd as the best swordsman in the world was put into the cage and a fly was released. He took one giant swing, but the fly continued flying on. The crowd gasped! The best swordsman in the world had missed! After the convention, a man asked the best swordsman why he was looking so happy even though he had missed. The swordsman responded, "Aye! But you weren't looking close enough! The fly lives, yes, but he will never be a father again! |
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