Joke of the Week Contest

Joke of the Week

Knee Slappers and Guffaws
from 11/8/96

Guffaws of the Week 11/8/96
trisw: One day, as Adam was sitting around the Garden Of Eden, God came down and spoke. He said, "Adam, I've noticed you've been a bit bored lately, so I've decided to make a companion for you. She will be warm and loving and kind and wonderful and sweet and beautiful".
"Wow!!" says Adam. "How much will *that* cost?!".
"An arm and a leg," was the reply from God.
"Well," Adam stammered, "what can I get for just a rib"?
FALA: Why did the jazz saxophonist ask his audience for a handkerchief?
He wanted to blow a little "boogie" in it!

Knee Slappers of the Week 11/8/96

OxygenSoftware: A lawyer and a priest are out golfing one day. On the fifth green the lawyer has an easy putt for birdie but misses. "Dammit! I missed!" screams the lawyer.
"Oh," says the priest, "You should not say that or God will strike you down."
On the 12th hole again the lawyer misses an easy birdie. "Dammit! I missed!"
And again the priest warns, "Careful, or God will strike you down."
Finally, at the 18th hole, just as he is about to break the club record, the lawyer's grip slips and he misses. "Dammit! I missed!" screams the lawyer.
Suddenly the sky darkens. A deep rumble is heard and a lightening bolt strikes down the priest. Then, from the sky, a loud booming voice: "DAMMIT, I MISSED."
OxygenSoftware: There were two cows in a paddock. The first cow says out loud, "MOO". The second cow turns to the first and says, "Damn, I was going to say that!"
OxygenSoftware: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore all die in a plane crash. Upon reaching the gates of Heaven, they're met by God. God looks down from his throne at Al Gore and asks, "Who are you?"
Al Gore replies, "I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the United States."
God thinks for a second and says, "Very commendable. You may take the chair to my immediate left."
Looking at Bill Clinton, God asks who HE is. "I was Bill Clinton, PRESIDENT of the United States."
"Very good," says God. "You may take the chair to my right."
Looking at Hillary, he asks, "And who are YOU?"
"I'm Hillary Clinton, and YOU'RE in MY chair!!"
StephenRodgers: What do you call a country that only has pink cars?
A pink carnation.
snugglepup: Three married couples walk into an open house at a new church in their area. All are interested in joining. Upon asking the pastor what they must do to join, he tells them that they must abstain from sex for two weeks. All agree to try.
Two weeks later when they return, the older couple tells the pastor that they had no problem during the two weeks, and he grants them membership into the church.
The second couple declares that, while they did think about it a bit and were tempted a few times, they overcame the desire when they considered why they were trying to abstain. The pastor grants the m membership as well.
But the husband of the third couple, who are newlyweds, admits defeat: "We did alright for the first three days, but when I saw her reaching into the freezer for those frozen vegetables at that angle, I just had to have her." The pastor then explains to them that, while he is sorry, they are no longer welcomed at the church. "That's alright," the husband says. "We're not welcomed at the grocery store anymore either."
Diamonds: A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began pestering him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Ya, ya, ya!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"That's funny," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
hamblett: One day in heaven St. Peter called Jesus over to the pearly gates. He mentioned that he hadn't had a day off in thousands of years and asked if Jesus would mind watching the gate for a day. Jesus told him that he would not mind, and he wished St. Peter an enjoyable day of rest.
About an hour later an old man walks up to the gate; he looked dazed and confused.
Jesus said, "Welcome to heaven my friend. Before we can let you enter, however, you must give us some information first."
The man nodded.
Jesus asked, "What is your name?"
The man replied thoughtfully and slowly, "I, I don't know."
Jesus said, "OK then, can you tell me where you come from?"
The man again said, "I don't know."
Jesus, beginning to get exasperated, then asked, "Can you tell me anything about yourself?"
The man replied, "Well, I can remember that I had a son."
Jesus said, "That's good. Can you describe him?"
The man thought a while and finally said, "What I remember is that he had a hole in each hand and a hole in each foot."
Jesus' eyes widened and he cried, "Father!"
The old man cried, "Pinocchio!"
RadioTom: I used to give money every year to the San Andreas foundation. But then I realized I was being generous to a fault.
hamblett: Newt Gingrich, Bob Packwood and Jack Kemp were on a ship in the North Atlantic that hit an iceberg and started to sink.
Jack Kemp yelled, "Women and children first!"
Newt Gingrich yelled, "Screw them!"
Bob Packwood asked, "You think we got time?"
Aria: Don't know if you've heard about it, but the Law of Gravity is expiring soon. Not to worry, though, since Congress is working on a new one.
You'll still be able to stay on earth, but if you haven't found a job in two years, you float off into space...
Treysa: Q: How do you know when a soprano is at your door?
A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

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