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Knee Slappers and Guffaws from 11/29/96 Guffaws of the Week 11/29/96 MWhiteman: What do you say to a Biker in a three piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise.." Doctors_in_the_House: Did you hear that John Elway was cast in the new O.J. Simpson movie? They needed a slow white Bronco. Read the semi-finalists for this week so far...and then send us one of your own! jonram: Man to Doctor: "I sing Delilah all morning and Green Green Grass of Home all day. Can't stop!" Doctor: "What you've got is the Tom Jones Syndrome" Man to Doctor: "Oh dear. Is the condition rare? Doctor: "It's not Unusual!" BradleyN: How do you kill a blond? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. americanpie: A policeman pulls a man over for speeding. The man insisted that he wasn't speeding. "Just ask my wife," he said. The policeman looks at his wife and asked, "Was he speeding?" The wife replied, "No, but I never argue with him when he's been drinking." sagan: A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season's emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" sepal: There were 3 blondes that went into a cave and found a lamp, they rubbed it to see what would happen. *POOF*... a genie appeared and said, "I'll grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you I'll give you each one wish." So the first blonde said, "I hate being dumb, so I want to be 1,000 times smarter." *POOF*... she became a red head. Then the second blonde said, "I don't like being dumb either, so I want to be 10,000 times smarter." *POOF*... she became a brunette. Then the third blonde said, "I like being dumb. People are nice to you; they hold open doors for you and they give you alot of things. So I want to be 100,000 times dumber." *POOF*...she was turned into a man. /~~~~\ * * { \___/ halsted: Roy Rogers received a pair of snakeskin boots from an adoring fan. He was so proud of them that he wore them every day, even when wranglin' horses and bulls and whatever else he wrangled. One day, he ran into a bit of trouble, with a mountain lion. The mountain lion attacked Roy's feet, and ended up mangling his boots beyond recognition, before the vicious creature ran off. Roy was furious. The next week he searched all over for the mountain lion, and when he finally found it, he shot it, threw it over the back of his horse, and rode back to the ranch. When he returned, a ranch-hand saw the dead animal on Roy's horse, and asked ... (sung to the tune of "Chattanooga Choo Choo") "Pardon me Royyyy ... is that the cat who chewed your new shoooooes?" DAN6: Who gets the most presents on Christmas? Pippi Long Stocking... A_WIINK_AND_A_SMILE: What did the Battery Say to the Potato Chip? "I'm ever ready if your Fri-to-lay." Diamonds: Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire >said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood lite".