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Knee Slappers and Guffaws
from 12/6/96
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Guffaw of the Week 12/6/96
Jaby: An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would
taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank
together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and
fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he
laughs. "Oh no, he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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Knee Slappers of the Week 12/6/96
SlickPickles: patient: Doctor, I need your help... I hurt everywhere!
doctor: Well, I don't think I know what you mean...
patient: No matter where I touch it hurts so badly!
doctor: Hmmm, this sounds interesting, touch your nose.
patient: Ouch! Aw, man, that kills!
doctor: Touch your knee cap.
patient: Dammit! It hurts so bad!
doctor: This is a very interesting case. Let me do a full body X-Ray on you and consult my notes. I will call you in a week with the results.
*one week later*
patient: Hello? Doctor? Have you figured out what's wrong with me?
doctor: After examining the X-Ray, combined with the conclusions I was able to reach by reflecting over my notes, I have been able to figure out what your ailment is.
patient: Well... what is it?
doctor: You have a broken finger.
guk: Bill and Hillary Clinton were both on a sinking ship. Who was saved?
The nation!
morello: A Scotsman is going round a fairground with his kid when, suddenly, an acrobat airplane appears in the blue sky. The kid starts asking his father for a round in the plane, but the Scot thinks it's going to be a bit expensive...
But the kid keeps on moaning and finally, the Scot decides to try to make a deal with the pilot, so he waits till the sky hero lands and then approaches him:
Scot: Listen, mister, my kid wants to go for a round in your plane, but you know, these are hard times, and I think I cannot afford it, so ...
Pilot: Never mind, we'll make a deal, I'll give you both a FREE ride, but you must not shout, if you do it, you'll pay double, O.K.?
Scot: O.K.
So up they went, but the pilot decides to teach that greedy chap a good lesson, so he starts going on looping, rip curls and things, but the Scot stays mute. Finally, the pilot gives up and land the plane. He turns to the Scot and says:
Pilot: Hats off to you, sir!! Never saw a man with so much guts as you have shown!! Not even a little scream!!
Scot: Well, that was not easy. In fact, when my kid fell out of the airplane, I ALMOST DID!!
dolt: Why can't Ken and Barbie have kids?
Ken comes in a different box.
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