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Knee Slappers and Guffaws from 12/13/96 Guffaws of the Week 12/13/96 Bustamante: There is a good looking girl in an elevator riding to the 35th floor. When a man enters the elevator on the 5th floor, she rips off her clothes and throws them in the corner and says... "Make me feel like a real woman!" The guy then rips off his clothes, throws them on top of hers, and says.... "Here, fold these!!!" ryman: What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar? A flame thrower! Knee Slappers of the Week 12/13/96 RobertsonJ: Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road. Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely. I'll go check it out." In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone. He taps the microphone twice and says "42". Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage. Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still! A third man walks up and shouts 12!! Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?" "Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke." "Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?" "Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168". The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks. After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?" The manager was still chuckling but he said, "Achh...Well, they haven't heard that one before!!" RiceaRoni: What the difference between a computer and a woman??? The computer accepts 3 and 1/2 inch floppys! chaz1: Q: What do you get when you put 50 unemployed people and 50 lesbians in the same room? A: 100 people who don't do dick. jwarn: Q. What is worst than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs. Oursea: Why did the soccer players get new lighters ? Because they had lost all their matches !! WKoch: One day in Moscow, a Russian couple (we'll call them Ivan and Helga) are walking across Red Square with the head of the Polit Bureau (we'll call him Rudy). It begins to precipitate. Ivan looks up and says,"It looks like snow." "I beg to differ. It looks like rain." says Rudy. "No, no, I'm quite sure it will snow, comrade." Ivan insists. "Rain!" "Snow!" Just then Helga intercedes and says to Ivan, "Rudolph the red nose reindeer!" jimallen: "What's the matter Sam?" "Had to shoot my dog." "Was he mad?" "Weren't so damned pleased." JANAKI: A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking." "Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?" koli: One day a couple decided to go to the courthouse to get their marriage licence. On the way there they got into a car accident. Both died and went to Heaven. At the Gates of Heaven they met St. Peter who said, "What can I do for you folks?" "Well," they both reply, "before we enter Heaven, we would like to get married. Can you find as a pastor to marry us?" "I'll do my best" said St. Peter, and went searching for a pastor. A day goes by, a night goes by, a week goes by, and finally St. Peter makes it back with a pastor. The couple that, at first, was madly in love got into some arguments while waiting for St. Peter. When he showed up with the pastor they asked, "Dear St. Peter, can we later get a divorce in Heaven if we decide to?" St. Peter replied, "Are you crazy? It took me for ever to find a pastor here; do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?" Diamonds: This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did a place in Chinatown get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?". The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Well, who in the heck is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man replied, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go.. What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...What your name? I say 'Sam Ting.'" Wolvengrrl: Why did Pamela Anderson decide not to divorce Tommy Lee after all? He was the only real boob she had. VictorianOne: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If we hadn't have gone to bed together we wouldn't be in this jam! Mubs: A little boy goes to his father for help in a school assignment. He asks, "Daddy, what is politics?" "Son..let me put it this way..I am the bread earner, so call me capitalism. Your mother takes the money I get and spends it for our house. Call her the government. The maid can be known as the working class. You represent the 'people' and your baby brother represents the future..uhh..do you have some idea of how the system works?" "I think so, Dad. Thanks." That night, the little boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his brother's room and found his diapers completely soiled. He went to his parents room and found only his mother asleep on the bed. He went downstairs and saw that his father and the maid were having sex. In the morning, the little boy approached his father and said, "Dad, I think I know what politics is..while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is always asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is always just full of s--t."