POLITICS & COMMUNITY Hose-Down Economics: Why Settle for a Trickle? March 28, 1996 Past columns by Ted Rall: Adolf Redux: Buchanan's Basic Instinct Forget China: America Gets Rich on Slave Labor The Other Primary: Democrats Choose Their President My Teen Daughter Is a Lesbian Lap Dancer: In Defense of Trash Talk TV Cashing In On Irony: Dole's Secret Youth Strategy Revealed

Long ago the American economy was the miraculous result of hundreds of millions of people exchanging goods and services. It has since progressed far beyond that; now it doesn't involve people at all. All the traditional indicators of economic well-being -- gross domestic product, unemployment, Standard & Poors 500 Index -- show that things haven't been this good since we kicked Brit butt at Yorktown. Meanwhile, though, the vast majority of citizens are maxing out their credit cards in a desperate attempt to bridge the gap between their middle-class lifestyles and working-poor paychecks. So, for the first time in history, misery is the economy's single most important driving force! Every laid-off factory worker reduces the cost of labor, raising stock prices and reducing the trade deficit. Remaining employees work harder and harder, becoming more and more efficient. The higher their productivity, the fewer of them are needed by employers. The work ethic kills the ones who love it most. Reacting to an environment of dead-end jobs and rock-bottom wages, many Americans have resigned themselves to living scaled-down lives. Some downsized workers actually claim to find psychic satisfaction in their new low-budget lives. They report that now that they can no longer rely on holding a decent full-time job, they have more time for their families and their communities; that making do with less can in fact be a spiritually rewarding experience! Fortunately, it's still possible to save ourselves from such a grim Zen existence. The middle-class dream of a TV in every room -- that's right, including the bathroom -- is still within our reach. That DAT player you've been lusting after could be yours. Your children can finally have those rare Komodo dragons they've only dreamed of. The answer is right in front of us: Hose-Down Economics. Under Trickle-Down Economics, the current doctrine in practice since 1981, the harder Americans work, the lower their wages. Theoretically a rising tide raises all boats, but in reality the rowboats sink in the backwash of cruise ships. When the economy does better, most people do worse. Logically, the opposite is also true. Under Hose-Down Economics, Americans would work hard to destroy the overall economy, thus improving their own personal finances. This would be accomplished by sabotaging employers, or "hosing them down." Here are some of the basic tenets of Hose-Down Economics: Higher Inefficiency: Americans must take the "work" out of "work ethic." Take long bathroom breaks and three-hour lunches. Jam photocopy machines with coffee-soaked copy paper. Come in late and leave early. Learn to talk half as fast as you do now. Put customers on hold -- then go home for the day. Learn an obscure language, like Gaelic or Sanskrit, and use it exclusively at work -- remember, anyone who objects to your new linguistic skills is a racist! If you need help with ass-dragging, you'll find inspiration at the Post Office. The more you help lower productivity, the more workers they'll have to hire, tightening the labor market. Soon you'll get a big raise...can that new Lexus be far behind? Increasing the Trade Deficit: A low trade deficit discourages foreign companies from locating in the United States. If, however, we import most of our goods, foreign manufacturers wanting to cut shipping costs will build plants to make thimbles and other stuff right here! Since there are more than 200 other countries, that means 200 times more foreign investment, 200 times as many jobs, 200 times the salary! Imagine what you could do with $4 million a year! So make sure your next purchase is a foreign one and help drive up the trade deficit. Don't be fooled -- many "foreign" products, like Honda cars, are actually made in the U.S. Only dupes buy American! (Note: Occasionally you'll find that some products are exclusively American-made. These items should be shoplifted.) De-education: The U.S. has the best-educated workers in the world, but what has that done for us? Given that it takes 2.3 morons to do the work of one genius, dumbing down the workforce will vastly increase employment, the competitiveness of the labor pool and ultimately raise salaries for everyone. Forget that rising tide -- this'll create a veritable tsunami of income! Stupidity is our key to prosperity! It's true that as we get older, we get dumber, but you can accelerate this natural process by following spectator sports, arguing about the differences between Democrats and Republicans, listening to New Age music, watching films featuring talking animals and practicing air-guitar. In addition, studies have proven that most corporations consider idiots to be their most valuable employees. Mainstream economists and their politician lackeys will object to the daring possibilities presented by Hose-Down Economics. These old-schoolers will claim that rising wages will cause the GDP to plunge and the stock market to crash. But that's precisely the point. After stock certificates become worthless wallpaper, there won't be any annoying shareholders to put downward pressure on the American Dream. The Economy will be dead as the Rolling Stones, and America will prosper. Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your brains! Ted Rall, 32, a syndicated editorial cartoonist and freelance writer, has employed many of the tenets of his Hose-Down Economics theory at numerous day jobs. © 1996 Ted Rall, All Rights Reserved.