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From Dan Reines, Editor:

One of the really nice things about working for a Web company — and this Web company in particular — is the giant platform it provides me with to spout my views every now and again. And for once, I'd like to use that platform to do a little good: I'd like to clear up some lingering misunderstandings, to publicly take responsibility for my misdeeds, and to offer my apologies to the people I've wronged. So here goes:

To the lady at the Stop & Shop, the one I cut off with my cart that night at the check-out counter: Sorry about that. You were there first, but I had to get home for the last "Seinfeld," because I had some friends coming over.

To the guy from Adelphia Cable whom I yelled at because I thought you were four hours late to fix my reception last January: I later found the note I'd written to myself, and you were totally right, I was totally wrong. You were probably already having a crappy day, and you don't get paid enough to deal with morons like me, so I'm really sorry.

To Jay, who's a designer at Tripod: I'm sorry I called you a "tattooed vegetarian dork" in front of Emma and Randy right when you started working here. That was before I really knew you, and before I knew that you're actually vegan.

I would like to say sorry to the guy who came in second at the Chicago Half-Marathon in April. I was the guy cheering for you right near the end, the one shouting, "Yeah, man! It's you! You're all alone! First place! WOO!" Remember me? Well as somebody else no doubt told you, you were, in fact, about three minutes behind the guy who really was in first. But at the time, you looked so tired, I figured you needed a pick-me-up. And it worked — you looked so happy for a minute there! Anyway, I didn't mean any harm.

I'm sorry to Ellen, for the way the show ended. I'm not a Nielsen guy, or an ABC exec or anything, but I feel somehow responsible, like I probably could have done more. Heck, I never even watched a whole episode. So for letting that happen to you, I'm sorry.

Ditto Rwanda. I could have done more, and I'm sorry.

This is an old one, but as long as we're clearing the slate: Sorry to that kid at the Mary's Danish show in Ventura a few years ago — I stage-dived and I landed on you, and you totally lost your beer, and I got out of there really quick because I was scared, so I didn't get a chance to apologize. So anyway, if you're reading: I'm sorry, friend. Perhaps someday we can meet up somewhere for a drink — on me! I'm also sorry about my key chain, which if I've got the right guy, swung around and hit you in the face and (according to the Ventura County Star) chipped a tooth and did some damage to your eye. Sorry about that.

My goodness, this feels good. What else is there?

Oh! I'm sorry to all the pager owners, for that whole satellite thingy a couple weeks ago. I was on the roof trying to get the Bulls game, and I must not have been grounded, because it all just went nutty. My bad.

To that guy again, the runner in Chicago? I'm sorry for lying. The actual reason I made you think you were winning was because I thought it would be really funny, and it was. Oh my God, you should have seen your face! Anyway, I would have owned up right there at the end of the race, but it just seemed like the wrong time, and besides, you were all crying and stuff. But sorry now, guy.

And to the man I watched get held up in New Haven last Sunday, I'm sorry. I would have helped you, but I was pretty scared at the moment, and in case you don't recall, that guy who was robbing you was waving around a gun. Besides, I had a job to do, and as it was, I almost didn't see that rent-a-cop until too late, and we nearly got caught. Heck, the guy only ended up giving me your watch because of that, which is a bunch of bull if you ask me, 'cause how was I supposed to know the guard guy was coming? I mean if you think about it, who's the victim here?

But it doesn't matter — we're all accountable for our own actions, so I'm sorry anyway. Are we good now?

Good. Thanks for paying attention, everyone. I feel a lot better now.

Dan Reines,
Editor (5/29/98)