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From Leslie Lundquist, Technical Writer:

In college I was in a production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." The director, with terrific insight, cast the show so that Hippolyta and Theseus portrayed Titania and Oberon. Suddenly it made sense to me: the whole play is THEIR dream. Hippolyta and Theseus dream they are Titania and Oberon, inner selves running amok in Jungian fashion, gleefully exploring "who the heck they are" on the eve of their Big Commitment.

Sometimes it is as if we fall under a spell, especially in times of great spiritual growth and life change. For me, spending this summer working at Tripod, living in the Berkshires, has been a magical opportunity. I've started to look at my whole life differently.

The other night I got home quite late — about 10:30 p.m. — and looked up at the Milky Way spreading out across the starry night sky. (Yes, you can still see it here in the mountains, and the view from my deck is great.) As I lost myself there, absorbed by the blackness and stars, the thought calmly occurred to me that I've lived in the grip of an intense, agonizing identity crisis. Standing there alone in the peaceful midsummer night on my rented deck, I began to ponder...

I thought, "This identity crisis thing isn't so bad in some ways. It's been good for me. It keeps me constantly searching for new ideas, new challenges, new ways to express myself" — and I kept hoping, just for a fleeting instant, to get a glimpse of — Aack! Who the heck am I?

See, up until lately, in private, I've spent a lot of daydream time on the dark side, thinking about who I could have been, what I fear I might be, or even who I should be. I feared I hadn't lived up to the dreams placed in me by my parents, or by well-meaning teachers when I was a child, not to mention my own dreams. Sometimes my life has felt like chasing my own shadow. I've spent a lot of time engaged in the art of subtly feeling sorry for myself, living in a fantasy world of "what ifs" and "I shoulds" ...

A firefly winked its fairy light at me and I thought, "Wait a minute.... What does a fantasy world hurt if it fuels your dreams? Why not try on a dream and see how it fits?"

My mom's dream for me was that I should be an opera star. Truly, I did have talent. I was a professional folksinger at 13, can you imagine it? Move over LeeAnn Rimes. My folks had to go with me when I sang in the bars, because I was underage. A month ago I auditioned for the Houston Grand Opera, and I took my mom with me. Where do you think I got MY talent, anyway? I could see in her eyes that it was SHE who should have been the opera star, a dream that she could never let herself attain. Instead, she "did the right thing" and became a bored suburban housewife. Let's try on that dream together, shall we Mom, if only for an afternoon?

My dad's dream for me was that I should get a good, practical job. My dad was a young publications manager for a NASA contractor during the Apollo era. Remember those manuals they tear up in the movie Apollo 13? His people wrote them. The real ones.

My dad had a heart attack at age 42. Dad, you gave too much! In my turn, I became a young publications manager at a prestigious Silicon Valley company. I left my extremely stressful job as a publications manager after two years, quickly realizing how he earned that heart attack. My heart was not fulfilled, either.

As a girl I wanted to be a ballerina, so I quit my great Silicon Valley job and became a dancer for a few years, a real, skinny, beautiful dancer, at least until my son was born. It was great.

I still have this sense that my life hasn't "turned out" the way I expected. But I know that I've taken each opportunity as it arrived. It seems that the Good Lord, the "Divine Director," had a better dream for my life than I did. Look at all I've done and all I've got! For one thing, I am a mother, which I always dreamed I would be. And my résumé looks great!

At that moment under the stars, I got a clear snapshot of myself and it was breathtaking. I am a dreamer, and I am a Good Person! I am filled with the awesome goodness of divine Love, which has somehow managed to give my parents the gift of their dreams through me, and now lets me live some dreams of my own. Gee, on second thought I guess I wouldn't change this daydreaming life of mine for anything, just give up on the "what ifs" and "I shoulds."

Thank goodness I didn't get in to Houston Grand Opera (at least not this summer) so I could come to Tripod instead and stand here, looking up at the stars. Up until now, it's been a personal challenge — I can go out and write a book, I can deal with snobby editors at major New York publishing houses, but I'm too shy to ask a co-worker to have coffee with me. Now I think I'll change that, because the people at Tripod are some of the friendliest and most genuinely wonderful people I've met in a long time.

So here's my best advice: There are a lot of judgments in this world, judgments about all sorts of things, big and small, gross and subtle. But the hardest judgments are the ones you make of yourself... don't listen. Live your dreams. Live other people's dreams for them, if you want. Be especially gentle with yourself, trust yourself and your Divine "director," and don't wake up too fast.

And oh, by the way, I played Hippolyta.

Best regards,

Leslie Lundquist, Technical Writer (8/8/97)

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Read more "Letters from Tripod" in the archive.

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