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From Margaret Gould Stewart, Producer, Creative Director:

If you're human and you had contact with other humans over the holidays, you probably contracted the world's worst cold. I am currently fighting my way back from the most miserable week of sickness in recent memory. A week of infected and swollen sinuses, phlegm-filled nights, and crud-filled mornings. So how does one survive the bane of winter and come out of it relatively unscathed? I'm here to reveal the contents of my backpack, which constitutes:

1. Tissues with Lotion
When history examines the 20th century, there will be many advances and inventions that will take their place in history as having had a profound effect on the human condition and improving the lives of men, women, and children. One of these inventions will be tissues with lotion. If not for these soothing cloths, countless noses would have been shredded to bits in the vicious cold epidemic of 1997-98. Because the dorks at Kleenex and Puffs don't make travel packs of these essential items to fit in Mags' Cold Care Kit, I have been known to carry full size boxes in my backpack and even into meetings, where I wouldn't want to be caught without one when the need arises, if you know what I mean.

2. Ny-Quil and Day-Quil
There's something about the way that Ny-Quil dulls the senses that makes your illness a little more tolerable — even a bit psychedelic. After downing a capful of this magic elixir each night, I'm off in la-la land for a good eight to ten hours, and am not really sure what year it is when I awake. There are historians who believe that Rip Van Winkle did in fact take Ny-Quil before his slumber.

And Day-Quil has got to be the cheapest substitute for speed going. It can make you a bit jittery if you drink too much coffee after taking it, but no one will know that three hours prior you were so out of it that you thought we were in the midst of the Bay of Pigs crisis.

4. Water
The summer I took an Outward Bound course, I had this former Green Beret instructor who brain washed me into believing that everything is caused by dehydration. Headaches. Bad moods. El Nino. Ever since, I have guzzled tons of water, and that has never been more true than during this bout with the dreaded winter cold. Carrying your own is also a good idea since, for some reason, people don't seem to be that excited about sharing drinks with me at the moment.

5. Personal Nurse
They are sort of tricky to find (I had to actually go all the way to Canada to find one I could really depend on) and you don't actually carry this in a bag — but if you can afford a personal nurse, I would highly recommend it. My personal nurse, David Stewart, who has been with me for nearly two years now, has been known to: make me homemade soup; suffer through renting and even viewing cheesy chick flicks; empty out the waste paper basket next to by bed which is filled with disgusting, used tissues (with lotion, of course); feed me like a baby; refill my prescriptions; perform puppet shows for my amusement; sleep on the couch in our bedroom when I stretch out in the bed so much that I leave no room for him; and most importantly, not take it personally when I tell him that I hate him and everyone else who does not share my cold-induced suffering.

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With these items in tow, you'll sail through this winter's worst colds and flu. As for availability of these items in stores near you, I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that they are all in fine supply, with the exception of Dave Stewart. He is most certainly one of a kind. And sorry, girls, he doesn't have any brothers.

— Margaret Gould Stewart (1/16/98)

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Read more "Letters from Tripod" in the archive.

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