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From Randy Williams, Editor and Globetrotting Man of Mystery:

A few weeks back, my colleague Ethan Zuckerman used this forum to relate a story about an old flame who had kept track of his life by using the Internet, specifically the Alta Vista search engine. Ethan, a savvy fellow whom a magazine writer for SPIN once described (with a straight face) as a "high tech guru," seemed surprised — even shocked and alarmed — that so many details of his private life were accessible to anyone with curiosity, a 'Net hook-up, and the dexterity required to operate a computer mouse. He shouldn't have been amazed; this is, after all, the Information Age. Not only can others dig up lots of good dish on us, but sometimes we can even make startling discoveries about ourselves.

I recently made just such a discovery. Following Ethan's lead, I decided to run an Alta Vista search on the name Randy Williams, just to see what popped up. Now, I've been writing and/or editing on the Web for more than three years, which is ample time to produce quite a few documents, but even a grizzled old 'Net hand like myself is a bit shocked when a search engine comes up with more than 20 pages of links to his name. My goodness but I've been a busy beaver! Much of what I found was to be expected; the first page alone turned up links to some columns I wrote, including one that earned Tripod some notoriety (and which attracted the interest of a documentary crew from MTV who filmed here last fall). There were also links on this first screen to my personal homepages, one of my poems, and even a page with some of my favorite recipes. I found it immensely gratifying to see that my humble efforts were so easily accessed, should anyone take the time to run a simple search on little ol' me.

But the deeper I dug into the pages of links, the more it became apparent that something was amiss: my name kept appearing in contexts which were completely unfamiliar to me! At first I thought there had to be some sort of mistake, but no, we all know that this newfangled Web technology is infallible and that search engines are not capable of the very human duplicity required to lie. There could be only one logical explanation: unbeknownst to me, the nightly mug of Sleepytime Mint herbal tea I consume has had a curious reaction with my system; rather than whisking me off to dreamland, the powerful herbs and all-natural flavors have supercharged my intellect and physical stamina, allowing me to lead many alternate lives in the wee hours of the night, when everyone (myself included) had assumed I was getting some much-needed beauty sleep.

For example, I found out that I am a Power Plant Shift Supervisor in Fayetteville, NC, who is "actively seeking employment with a firm that demands a specialized approach in management or technical philosophies or practices." This hardly fits in with my self-image, but at least I am able to take some comfort in the knowledge that I "accept all challenges and offer viable solutions [and] am methodical and relentless in my approach to problem solving." I mean, that sounds pretty good, right? At least it sounds better than my job as Calloway County Maintenance Engineer for the Kentucky Department of Highways.

But one has to wonder why I'm still working at a power plant, supervising road crews, and sucking up on a résumé. After all, I'm a PhD. who serves as chairman of the Federal Tourism Task Force, which represents all Federal agencies in developing a "shared vision" and "collaborative agenda" to support the development of tourism opportunities in small and rural communities. Hey, doesn't that mean I should be getting free tickets to the Williamstown Theatre Festival and other frou-frou cultural events here in the Berkshires during the prime summer tourism months? I made a note to myself to be "methodical and relentless in my approach" and start throwing my weight around, especially with those bastards over at Shakespeare & Co. — I spent more than $200 on tickets to their plays last summer! It's high time they got hip to exactly whom it is they're dealing with!

But, on the very next page, I discovered that I am "a pilot — a HOG — a grape lover." Huh? Careful reading revealed the meaning: I am not an actual swine, but a wine-swilling aerial daredevil and Harley-Davidson enthusiast. That sounds pretty cool, but I can see how some of the big artsy-fartsy types would be put off by my black leather chaps and lone wolf ways. Made a note to myself to just ask the folks at Shakespeare & Co. about a free cap instead.

My credentials as a Bacchanalian hog notwithstanding, I am voracious in my intellectual pursuits. I am a "professional" ASU student. I started Iomega research on stock value for Silicon Investor (and, for you Doubting Thomases out there, this one HAS to be me, as the e-mail address on this page even uses my long-time nickname, Randyman). A few clicks later, I stumbled upon my career as Dr. Randy Lee Williams (true, my full name is Randall Lee Williams, but I seem to use this combination — the juvenile variant with my given middle name — only for this particular gig), in which I have served since 1987 as a full Professor in the Department of Special Education at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington. I made another note to myself; I really must find my faculty ID card, as I'm sure it entitles me to a discount on that highly coveted Gonzaga U logo activewear.

But that's not all — heavens no! I also teach at the Graduate School of Management at University of California, Irvine, where I am a university professional with over 20 years experience in the field of college career services. Not bad, especially when one considers that this would indicate that I began my career in academia even before finishing high school in 1980. The UC-Irvine stint even got me included in a nice Business Week profile of our department. What Business Week didn't report was that I have also been secretly earning yet another PhD. at the University of Missouri-Columbia — the BW reporters were no doubt thrown by the fact that I have added the pseudonymous middle initial "H" for my studies there, so as not to alarm any of the department heads at the other universities with my habit of burning the proverbial candle at both proverbial ends. You may be interested to learn (I know I was!) that I am researching the cultural dynamics between fur trade society and Native American cultures. My dissertation will be a social history of the Fort Clark Fur Trade Post in North Dakota.

Still, I feel that one can't be truly well-rounded without venturing beyond the hallowed halls of higher education and experiencing more of life than the same old social histories of animal pelts. For that reason I work tirelessly for civic organizations and governmental agencies across the 50 United States and parts of Canada. Admittedly, I have no memory of attending a meeting of the Tennessee Information Infrastructure Community Based Networks Task Force on April 7, 1995 — but there it is in black and white. (Yet another note to myself: I need to figure out if I'm related to fellow attendee Joe Max Williams.) It also seems I attended a Sierra Community Team meeting for the Kyrene de la Sierra Elementary School of Phoenix, Arizona, on January 22, 1997 — but that hardly prevented me from fulfilling my duties for the Western Agricultural Extension Committees on behalf of the USDA!

As State of Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources Forestry Work Unit Supervisor, I recently attended a field trip (sponsored by The Forest Alliance of British Columbia) to the Menominee Tribal Enterprises (MTE) Forest Operation. I suspect this may have been an attempt on my part to finagle free travel to Canada so I could be closer to my Canuck sweetheart. Such motives may also explain my job as President/CEO of Tourism Saskatchewan; I'm willing to concede that the late hours during which I conduct business for the organization may have caused me to forget that my beloved lives one province to the west, in Alberta.

Unfortunately, the special woman in my life may be distressed to learn that I've been posting to the Gay Universe message boards, even if seeing my messages there will confirm her deeply-held conviction that I am not a Latino. But it's hard to say whether she will find this revelation more troubling than the news that I am an amateur radio freak from North Lake Tahoe, California — and that I share this hobby with my wonderful wife Lynn and very special daughter Samantha. Alas, somewhere along the line I also seem to have joined the Army, married someone named Peggy, and produced a son named Chris, who recently graduated from Pennsylvania State University. Daddy's proud, Chris.

Perhaps I can get back in my true love's good graces by impressing her with some of my martial arts moves. As a Wing Chun Master, I am best known for my Close Range Combat style of Wing Chun Gung Fu — and for my bodyguard work for such stars as Phil Collins, Eric Clapton, and Steven Seagal. My motto is, "Everybody have fun tonight — everybody Wing Chun tonight!" I have always something of a superstar when it comes to athletics: my 1972 record for the High School Boys Long Jump Championship is all the more remarkable for my having been a mere 10 years old at the time, so it can hardly be surprising to learn that I went on to win the Silver Medal for the Men's Long Jump in the 1976 Montreal Olympics.

Sure, other champions would be satisfied to be gods of track competition and martial arts, but not Randy Williams! I am ranked among the #1 swimmers by United States Masters Swimming and, as skipper of sailboat #3662, I spent much of last August competing on behalf of the Flying Scot Sailing Association at the Sandy Bay Yacht Club.

I would be remiss if I neglected to mention my accomplishments in the fields of photography and broadcasting. The bizarre San Francisco-based music/performance art collective known as the Residents has long been one of my alt-music fab faves, so I was delighted to contribute some snapshots to a Residents Web site. You country music fans in Atlantic City, New Jersey, also know me as an on-air personality for WKOE (Country 106.3 FM), where I host the popular program Randy Williams's Party Line every Saturday night between 8:00 PM and 1:00 AM. Yee-ha, buckaroos! But radio is not just about boot-scootin' and tush-pushin', so I still find time to deliver the all-important farm news for Gem Country Radio FM 105 in rural Illinois.

I would like to emphasize, however, that the very idea I was the whistleblower at the Pantex nuclear weapons plant — who testified that in 1996 he "dosed" a co-worker with uranium dust — is absurd. Haven't you people ever heard of two completely separate individuals having the same name? That was obviously a different Randy Williams. The days when I "dosed" friends and colleagues are far behind me, and, besides, it wasn't uranium dust I used back then.

Well, enough of my chatter. I should wrap this up — as you can tell, I have much work to do! In closing, I'd just like to say that this newfound awareness of my awesome physical and intellectual gifts has not changed me in any way — nor will it ever cause me to act "superior" to any of you "little people," or, indeed, to any of the hordes of pleasant but lesser mortals I encounter who may, through no fault of their own, not have the superhuman energy and charisma to accomplish as much in a year as I can in one night away from Tripod World Headquarters. I will remain, as always, the same lovable, humble schlub my colleagues and friends in Tripod's online community have come to know and tolerate, happy to work behind the scenes to bring you great, thought-provoking Web content. So, please continue to read and enjoy my editorial efforts in Tripod's Media Zone and help us to keep those page hits growing by leaps and bounds. Or I'll kick your lazy, dim-bulb ass with my Wing Chun.

Hugs and knishes,
Randy Williams, Editor (2/6/98)

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