What Turns Moms Into Zombies, And Other Questions
by Candi Strecker

I used to think that new mothers were very strange creatures indeed. You may have noticed this yourself. They can't stop talking about the blissful, profound miracle of having a new child, but they don't exactly look happy — they look spaced-out, twitchy, and as if they're in pain.

After I became a mom myself, I understood that groggy look in their eyes. New moms are spaced-out, twitchy, and in pain. Having been there and done that (and taken notes), I feel it's my duty to answer some of the questions I had about moms before I became one. Those of you who intend to become mothers will have a better idea what to expect; those of you who don't may at least be more sympathetic to the plight of new moms.

Q. So why are new mothers spaced-out, twitchy, and in pain?

A. Hormones and post-partum depression aren't the problem. It's the torture that turns new moms into temporary zombies. Babies inadvertently use the same techniques against their mothers that professional torturers employ to get political prisoners to reveal their secrets. First of all, there's sleep deprivation. Ever feel groggy all day after being woken up repeatedly during the previous night? Just imagine how punchy you'd feel after a few consecutive weeks (or months!) of such interruptions. Then there's the awesome torture that innocent babes inflict through random violence. Let your guard down as you move closer for a nuzzly-wuzzly kiss, and that wobbly-necked baby will swing its head around like a Women's Zoneecking ball and split your lip. Or kick your glasses right off your face, or yank your hair, or bash your tender nose with a rattle. New mothers aren't twitching — they're flinching.

Q. Why do new moms talk to themselves?

A. Babies provide such an endless stream of distractions that their mothers begin to wonder if they'll ever formulate another complete and coherent thought. Talking to themselves is just how moms keep their mental sentences pinned down until they can finish them. Also, new moms quickly learn The Power Of The Soothing Voice. Soon they've got the bad habit of accompanying every task with a sing-song monologue: "Here goes Mister Plate, right into the nice dishwasher along with Mrs. Cup." Another reason moms talk to themselves is that they're trying to remember all the damn stuff that must be carried along on even the briefest excursion: Did I bring the diapers, wipers, pacifiers, toys, extra clothes, blanket, sunhat?

Q. Why do moms constantly ram those strollers into other people's legs?

A. Because most modern baby strollers have crappy, wobbly, unpredictable wheels. Push the stroller one way, and it'll probably jump in the other direction, often as not going crash-bang into the ankles of the nearest innocent bystander. After about the thousandth time this happens, you just give up on trying to apologize.

Q. Is parenthood really all that mystical and profound and amazing?

A. Well, sort of. But that doesn't mean parents should babble endlessly about this miracle to their non-parent friends. It's bad manners — like raving about the incredible colors of the sunset to a blind person.

Q. Why do mothers take their crying, undisciplined children out to stores, restaurants, or other public places?

A. Believe me, no mother takes a crying child INTO a store or restaurant. She goes in with a cheerful kid that's playing peek-a-boo with passers-by or chewing on a squeaky toy. But twenty minutes later, with the shopping almost done, the kid breaks into tears over some little thing. Now, the mom can either abandon her shopping cart and rush her child outside, just to spare the delicate feelings of childless fellow shoppers, or she can grit her teeth and grab the last few things on her list and head for the check-out while Baby wails. Seriously, it's no choice at all, especially if "getting groceries" was the one thing she was hoping to accomplish that day.
ban ALL kids from public places


Every baby and toddler can begin crying at any given moment. The only way to keep a crying kid out of a public place is to ban ALL kids from public places — in effect, putting parents under house arrest for their kid's first few years!

Q. How dare people with small children board airplanes?

A. See that big sign in the front of the plane that says, "This mode of conveyance is operated for the exclusive comfort and pleasure of adult passengers, especially suit-wearing businessmen"? No? Neither do I. But you'd think so, from the glares a mom gets when she boards with a baby. Yes, being on a plane when small children are aboard is unpleasant. But it's even rougher on their parents than you. They're not only hearing the noise and commotion at closer range, they're also being completely humiliated by it. But guess what — parents and kids have the same right to buy a ticket and fly as anybody else.

The first few months are the hardest. Then there's a sort of a plateau, as your body recovers from childbirth and you catch up on your sleep, and the scary new tasks of motherhood become routine. At this point, you're able to take a mental step back and assess your situation. It dawns on you that you're actually doing okay at the job of being a mom. After that moment, everything gets a bit easier, and the shell-shocked new-mom expression starts to fade away.

At least until your kid hits puberty.

back to motherhood

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Candi Strecker knows it's the oldest cliché in the world, but her life completely changed when she became a mother. Formerly a wage slave by day, zine publisher by night, the birth of Nicola Sage nudged her to try a new, dual career: at-home mom and freelance writer. (She also still publishes the zine Sidney Suppey's Quarterly & Confused Pet Monthly.)