My job in a new media company requires me to do a lot of "meet and greet" at parties, company functions, tours for visiting investors, etc. The problem is, I'm just not a very social person. I feel shy and awkward in
those sorts of situations. Are there others out there who suffer from
this problem? If so, how do you either get around having to press the flesh
or learn to improve your schmoozing skills?
joshuaglenn: You know, there are so many people out there who schmooze badly that, while I recognize how important it is to be able to win people over to your way of looking at things through the sheer force of personality, for me "schmoozing" is always a pejorative term.
Schmoozing is always about getting to know people -- and getting them to feel they know you -- for strategic reasons, which is fine. But when I was the review editor of a national publication, I was schmoozed so brutally, so ham-fistedly, that I began to question the art of schmoozing. I hated it when public relations flacks would tell the receptionist that "Oh yeah, just tell him it's Heather calling..." without saying what company she was with. So I'd get this call from my pal Heather (who I may or may not have ever spoken with before). Or when a PR person, or potential writer/illustrator/intern/etc. would approach me at a party and engage me in conversation which was obviously not truly interesting to them as conversation per se, but merely as a vehicle by which to deliver the subliminal (or openly stated) message that I should help them get hired. It made me paranoid to the point that I began to wonder if everyone I met wanted something from me. (They didn't.)
In Hawaii, there's a great pair of expressions: "Talking story" and "Talking stink." "Talking story" means being charming, being entertaining, getting to know someone, even flattering someone -- as long as you mean it, all of which may or may not bring benefits your way as a result. You can guess what "Talking stink" means.
So, in response to the Dilemma, my advice is, "Don't Schmooze." If you want something from somebody, don't pretend that you're their best friend or fascinated by their personality: Just ket them know what you want. If, on the other hand, you are fascinated by somebody or their work, let them know -- they'll be able to tell if you're talking stink or not.
To me, these options are related to the act of schmoozing, but they're not tainted with the whiff of pure calculation. Call it networking, call it getting to know someone, call it talking story, call it anything but schmoozing. That's my advice, anyway.
Teena: I have a similar problem, but I'm not shy. I just have a problem making conversation because I don't feel like I have anything to talk about. So, I started reading about current events in the city. For example, I'll talk about theatre productions coming to Phoenix, or about our new hockey team (the Coyotes). Some other good advice I've been given is to ask the other person about themselves. Ask them if they like sports, adventure, or what they do to relax. If it's a business luncheon, these questions are still relevant because it gives you an idea of what's important to your customer, and that helps you provide personalized service.
SO! Before every business or social get-together, I make myself think of at least 5 possible conversation topics before I leave. It really helps me through the "pre-schmoozing jitters" -- I hope it helps you through yours.
REWIRE: What dilemma? I don't believe anyone should have to compromise their identity just to do a good job. While shyness can be a problem, it can also be a strength -- and situations that make you feel awkward probably make others feel awkward as well. I despise the Phony-Hollywood-Style policy of acting intrigued by people you have no respect for. The best advice is perhaps that voiced by Socrates..."Above all, to thine own self be true."
pialoca: I
think it's important to not think of it as "schmoozing" or being phony.
Look at this new job as an exercise in overcoming your shyness, getting to
know people, and feeling comfortable with yourself no matter who you are
around. I get bouts of extreme shyness and lack conversation starters when
I'm in a new situation. It helps me to stop focusing on how I come across
and concentrate on the other person.
People love to talk about themselves - so ask them about *who* they are.
*What* drew them to the industry, *where* they are from, *when* did they
first get involved in what they're doing, *how* long they've been in it, etc.
medmad: Hey, you are all right. Just try what you feel comfortable with from among these suggestions. In time you'll acquire your own style of greeting, meeting, and communicating. You will probably acquire a far greater understanding of others, simply because you will have learned a new skill. PS: I prefer to be straight-forward and
upfront, and talk about things I do know -- thus preventing that grand social
faux pas of having someone else make me look dense.
Sera: I have found that more often than not I network by accident by
taking a friendly coworker/associate with me when I attend functions where
there are going to be people I may need to talk with. An honest
conversation is going to provide more than schmoozing ever will, and you
will have contacts you may not have considered before.
Having someone with me that I am comfortable with helps me relax enough to
be conversational, and also provides an "out" when the person you meet
proves to be horrid. You can tag-team your way out of bad contacts ("Please
excuse us, Biff, I need to talk to Betty for a moment about a pressing
matter at the office") or facilitate the 'information exchange' if your
associate thinks of an important question you hadn't thought to ask.
I think the previous respondents are right in that if you are uncomfortable
schmoozing, don't. Find your own way of approaching folks that doesn't
make you shy. I have found most schmoozers wear a tight mask to cover
their ignorance. If you don't have one, this is a good thing!
babsan: First of all, acknowledge the fact that you are shy, and
don't think you can change that. However, you can make yourself feel more
or less comfortable in the "shy" situations. I mean all people are more or
less shy when dealing with new people and new situations. Maybe they just have a strong
facade or act they can use/do when they need it. Real strength comes from
accepting yourself as shy, and tryng to "just do it" anyway -- even when "it" can
be everything from saying HI to someone or asking where to find this or that.
Be yourself, and don't act. Good luck from an equally shy person.
harkn:
If you're feeling shy and awkward because you're concerned about the
impression, or lack of it, that you make on other people, my advice is this:
Don't worry about what others think of you.....you'd be surprised at how
seldom they do.
tudobem: Play journalist. Everyone's favorite topic of conversation is themselves. Pretend you are interviewing them for a fascinating biography you will later write. Asking them questions takes the pressure off of you, and you may learn something from the other person if you're not careful. I'm basically a shy person and this has helped me in many situations -- work-related gatherings, second job interviews, first dates.
rahenry: I used to feel the same way about social
situations. I have found that people love to
talk about themselves and their interests. In
asking others about themselves, I have learned
a great deal about several interesting subjects
that I previously did not know. Certainly you will
occasionally be bored, although I have found this
rarely to be the case. People are really fascin-
ating. If someone asks you about something you
don't know much about, admit that you don't and
ask them to tell you about it. People always want
to teach you something -- probably has to do with
their own self-esteem and ego.
rnichols: Schmoozing is much more than trying to "get something by being phony." I teach at a major university, and the ability to talk to people (me to students and students to me) is a crucial one. I think the problem is that if you don't talk to others well, they won't talk to you well -- and often both sides need something. In business it can be the exchange of goods for money or information for understanding. The idea is to contribute to each other's lives.
It isn't enough to just hear everyone else's questions and answers. My students need to talk to me, to ask questions, so they can find out information THEY need. That does two things. It might get them information they need to do an assignment, get more excited about the course content, help them learn something that leads them to something else that is even more important. The other thing it does is tell me that they are interested (I may go to more trouble than I might otherwise). I may understand that there is some information that lots of other people might like or need to know (but it is hard to always figure that out from what I THINK people need/want to know). It helps me see holes in the story I tell to make some points.
My advice to my students is take the first step. Open you mouth and make some sounds come out of it. Contribute to the understanding each of us has of each other and start by telling your listener something about you.
hwealth: Whether it is called "Talking Story," "Schmoozing," or "Ass Kissing," the objective is getting what you want while doing the least amount to get it (other than what your actual Job/Task position requires). Otherwise known as selliing oneself as being indispensable --- "how could they ever get along without Her/Him?" is the image that must be left upon the entity doing the Schmoozing. This in its most subtle form, is called selling the seller. In conclusion, three points -- You don't have to schmooze, as there are plenty of schmoozers out there. Let them schmooze you, (another form of giving up their power). Secondly -- to help you along on this road, remember the following -- "They got me right where I want them!" Last but not least -- To prevent the butterflies, given the scenario for this particular dilemma, do a little homework, such as: why is this party, company function, etc., being given.
Jimsam: Maybe you should rethink/re-engineer your career.
It would seem that to be successful in
a career like media requires innate political and
personal savvy. Better to cut your losses early.
Misery is often the first sign that you are not
going in the right direction. In microeconomics
you (should have) learned that specialization is
the key to economic success; maximize your abilities,
minimize your weaknesses; i.e., focus on using,
and building-up your strengths, rather than setting up
crude safety nets to protect you from your weaknesses.
This is the secular model for the 20th (and 21st)
century. When you ask, basically,"How do I get by?" , it suggests
you are focusing on survival rather than focusing
on the opportunities to use your strengths.
Is this hard? You bet! But the one thing everyone
agrees on is that life isn't easy. America wouldn't be the
land of opportunity if it wasn't the home of the brave.
fezziwig: First of all, don't drink! I used to think that drink would loosen things up, but found that I just went into a depressive state. Let the others drink, and then allow yourself to act silly -- it won't matter to the drinkers. Second, repeated psychological tests have shown that shmoozers think that the most interesting conversationalists at the party were the people who simply listened. While listening, repeat the persons name over in your mind to glue it in place, and use little mental imaging tricks to blend the name with the interests, so that later you'll remember the person and their interests. These little mental gymnastics become quite interesting and give you a pleasant diversion from the tedious conversation. You have my permission to use wildly lewd and rude images in your mnemonic images!
Terra: I'm in the position where I don't really feel comfortable with most of the "meet and greets" I have to go to because I'm still so junior in my own firm and am usually 20+ years younger than everyone else attending. My secret: I try to find small tasks to keep myself busy, like putting the dinner reservation in my name, or offering my assistance to the host if a party is at someone's home. I often find myself pouring wine for important clients or calling cabs for my bosses -- the coolest part of this all is that I've developed a reputation for having an excellent work-ethic and for being extremely competent -- not only in business, but socially as well.
jpbest:Having been a public speaker and teacher of adults for over 25 years, I will tell you to ignore the advise of "TUDOBEM", "PIALOGA" and "BABSAN". He (she) is into a localized
introverted perspective that will not let you grow. And growth is where you're at and where
you should proceed to be.
At your place in social environments, "schmooze" should be read as "intelligent gab" --
and it works !! Your can only get to know someone when they can get to know you.
Sound trite? Not at all. Verbal relationships are the foundation of Networking. And networking
is what you are describing. Do not try to read someone else, until you have completely read
yourself. Know what your objective is in the situation, and focus on that objective - and
continue to be the person you really are. Don't fake sincerity or interest. Most people who do
are characterized as the "Schmoozers!!" Good luck!
