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1998 Grand Prize Winner:
Peeps Paranoia
lizzzzz:
What I'm about to tell you could get me prosecuted, or possibly worse. Prior to this publication, I have experienced periods of prolonged persecution for my Peep conspiracy theory. Some call it a putrid perversion of confection perfection, others, a premeditated publicity ploy -- as if I would partake of this perilous pontification for Peep thrills. Still others dismiss my hypothesis as Peep psychology, as if it were one of Piaget's popular theories gone perniciously awry. Permit me to propose my postulate, and then play Pilate for yourself.
You see, the American public has been pumped with so much pro-Peep propaganda that they refuse to procure alternate propositions to their inappropriate presuppositions. Every spring, produce aisles are polished and painted in preparation for the plethora of Peeps that will bombard the shelves.
This is precisely what the Peeps want.
From this vantage point, the Peeps are proplerly placed for supreme surveillance. They perch in their phalanxes and and peer out of their beady chocolate eyes at prim shoppers.
Perhaps Joe Public is so entranced by the festive packaging that he lowers his guard to the Peep. Or perhaps the pre-pubescent nostalgia of sticky Easter baskets is the palpable perp.
This pre-holiday madness makes me want to proclaim, "Wake up, America!" Am I the only one privvy to this piece of information?
...which is why I pull the peepers off my Peeps. They'll never get me.
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