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How to find a job. How to quit a job. You've heard these tips a zillion times. What about the flip side? What about playing the role of a manager or department head? What truths can I impart to this fine readership about being the bossman? Because someday you too will rise from your cozy cubicle and get a real office with a genuine plastic nameplate.
Being a manager sucks. (Tip One: Communicate to your employees that they have it far better than you.) Your time never truly belongs to you. You're always giving advice and never getting any back. It's a lonely, lonely place. Worst of all, you can't hang around by the water cooler anymore complaining about the management.
When you're a manager, you're stuck in meetings all day long. (Tip Two: Make your job appear undesirable to the rank-and-file employees). On Mondays, you start filling up your calendar with appointments. In a couple hours, you have a schedule that's chock full of boring meetings. Whatever free time you have is filled with unannounced appearances from wanton team members.
Then there're the never-ending administrative chores. (Tip Three: Hide behind the wall of bureaucracy that your company has skillfully crafted for you.) Requisition forms. Purchase orders. Vacation authorizations. It's amazing how much paperwork companies still generate! Even when a company digitizes its workflow, there's still the need for that good old John Hancock.
Let's talk about the arduous tasks of hiring and firing. (Tip Four: Occasionally fire employees for no reason whatsoever just to keep everybody honest.) If you think it's tough to be interviewed, try sitting in the other chair. The worst part is the last two minutes:
"OK, so it was nice meeting you and we'll be in touch and as I said, it was fantastic meeting you... thanks... and, um... we'll be in touch."
Firing is tougher still, particularly if you're the kind of manager (like me) who beats around the bush:
"Well, we're not exactly dissatisfied with your performance. It's just that we feel that your unique skill set has a low value here."
Bottom line. Being a manager isn't all that bad. (Tip Five: Encourage employees to "develop" so they can have a cushy desk job like you.) Now, if only folks would stop turning my plastic nameplate upside down.
Charles Marrelli manages a team of dedicated professionals by day and sobs hopelessly into his pillow by night.
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