Spike Gillespie
interviewed by Emma Taylor on August 22, 1996
Think of a first date -- would you say, "So, how many social diseases have you had?"
Spike met her husband online and got engaged on their first in-person date. They were married within three days. It's not for everyone, she admits, and for her it was more like meeting someone in the workplace, as they both work online. Is the Internet the water cooler of the future? Spike tells Tripod her philosophy on the latest in dating technology.
Tripod: I read in "MacWorld" that you met your husband online and got engaged without meeting him in person, right? Is online interaction like this for everyone, is it the way of the future? Or are you an exception?
Spike Gillespie: Well, we were never officially engaged. We courted for six weeks electronically and agreed that if we liked each other as much in person as online, we'd get married right away. We met and less than three days later we exchanged our vows.
Online interaction is not like this for everyone and a lot of people get burnt. You have gender benders, liars, married people who say they're single, pervs who pray on lonely hearts, the works. And I do not advocate doing what I did (with all apologies to my husband). I mean, electronic facilitated our relationship, but as I detailed in MacWorld, we didn't meet in a chat room. We were introduced by a mutual business associate. I checked Dave out before I married him, contacting other mutual colleagues. It was like we met at work since we both work online.
That said, it was still really fast, and now we are going through that adjustment period other people call "dating." Only we're married. I have no doubt I married the right guy, and I certainly can't say, "Well, I did it, but you shouldn't..." but you really should consider the possible fallout before racing into long-term deals with electronic lovers. Dave and I, for example, live 2,000 miles apart for now. It's a very expensive commute and our phone bills are outrageous. And it's a total drag not interacting in-person on a regular basis. What I like to really emphasize the most about our fast marriage is that both of us are in our thirties, established in our careers, we've both dated extensively and we both knew exactly what we were looking for in a spouse, and I have the added benefit of being a parent -- I really understand commitment and responsibility thanks to my son. THAT'S what makes it work.
Tripod: What is it about online communication that allows people to be so honest and open with each other? And in a way that doesn't have the same negative connotations as using personals or a dating service?
SG: I have a quote somewhere and I'll be damned if I can find it. Anyway, it was the musing of a woman named Jacqueline, the only female member of the Brodsky Quartet. The Quartet did this wacky experimental record with my hero, Elvis Costello, and PBS documented their performances. The record is called the Juliet Letters -- the whole story behind it is brilliant, about how we use letters for various purposes. Anyway, every song is a letter and Jacqueline points out how people are more inclined to say in things letters they would never say on the phone or in person due to shyness or whatever. She's right.
The difference between personal ads and online communication is that people start out electronically sharing thoughts.
Email is so much speedier than snail mail that it is almost conversational. It's got that sacred intimacy of letters with the pace of phone calls. Especially if two people get really wrapped up in each other and sit there all day and email back and forth (Dave and I did this for weeks). Only it's not as awkward as speaking on the phone. I mean, think of a first date, or a phone call early in a relationship -- would you say, "So, how many social diseases have you had?" or "What do you look for in a lifelong mate?" Not really -- it scares the hell out of people. But email -- there's this unspoken rule that anything goes. And if someone turns out to be a loser, you can just quit. Sure, that's rude and will be perceived as the rejection that it is. But it's not nearly as bad as trying to shake a nightmare, real-time date who won't quit calling.
There is a danger though. Because sometimes words look so swell together, and sentences sound great and maybe you aren't telling the whole truth, maybe you're embellishing. That mirrors real relationships when people sort of brag and puff up their chests and say, "Look at me." The problem is if and when you do decide to switch to real life, you have to adjust to the physical presence of a person.
The difference between personal ads, I think, is that people start out electronically sharing thoughts. Maybe they talk about how they look, maybe they don't. But in personals, it's almost required that you immediately note how sexy you look, what beautiful eyes, etc. On the it's-what's-inside-that-counts theory, electronic is wonderful. You can see inside someone before judging them by how they look-- provided you're being honest. Still, no matter how in love you are, looks count and so does chemistry. I dated another guy I met on line -- he was very honest about his being overweight, and I didn't let that stop me. He was one of the best boyfriends I ever had. But I did have to adjust to the fact that he wasn't Mel Gibson. Does that sound shallow? I don't care -- it's true. And you know, as much as I hate to admit it, I suppose not everyone in the world thinks I'm the most gorgeous chick on the planet either.
