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From Alyssa Nelson, Receptionist Extraordinaire:

I feel unusually self-conscious writing this. On most days, I don't consider myself particularly shy or reserved. But maybe my anxiety is rational — this personal piece may just have the largest circulation of anything I've ever written (a true testament to my literary skill). In any case, I have decided to use the ultimate cop-out: A non-prosaic, non-poetic, basic list. Yup, a list. In the grand tradition of "Letters from Tripod" that expound upon the natural beauty of the seasons and the grandeur of rural-Massachusetts living, I offer this list of necessities for the return of fall and winter.

I hate winter. A lot. It's still 70 degrees outside, and I'm dreading it already. So as a kind of cathartic process, I list. Here are my personal requirements, ranging from the practical to the oftentimes bizarre. I share them so that you may feel like you know Tripod, Western Massachusetts, and me a little better. (I'm so philanthropic!)

• Car preparedness   My car is equipped with heavy-duty windshield wipers, deicing windshield fluid, cat litter (better than sand if you get stuck), a flashlight, a blanket, gloves, two scrapers (make someone else help, too!), jumper cables, cell phone, and a charger (only for emergencies!). I was forced to buy snow chains and have them put on while driving in the Sierra Nevadas in February, and I'm keeping these in the car too, even though I doubt I'll ever be able to figure out how to use them.
• Fuzzy slippers and bathrobe   I am in the process of purchasing these now. Everyone I have ever lived with has felt the need to turn the heat down to about 40 degrees at night. Keeping these items close at hand is not a luxury but a survival tactic.
• Hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows and Cap'n Crunch® Peanut Butter Cereal   Nutritional value — none (unless you lack riboflavin, which I sincerely doubt, since it appears to be added to everything), comfort value — 100%. I usually eat these separately, but I've been known to combine them for double the enjoyment.
• Lots of mindless entertainment for increasing amounts of time spent indoors   This includes subscriptions to trashy magazines and lots of movies, such as "Roman Holiday," "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "Sabrina," "Pretty in Pink," and "Sixteen Candles." (Yes, I am unnaturally obsessed with Audrey Hepburn and John Hughes. You can substitute your own pop-culture icons, or even critically-acclaimed cinematic geniuses, if you prefer.)
• Line up a place to go when cabin fever sets in or the electricity goes out   I plan on going to a local tavern/restaurant because it serves 190 different kinds of beer, and because I have a thing for sous chefs (as Michelle R., Heather S., and Brian R. can tell you). This location could easily be somewhere more culturally enriching but, in my case, it won't be.
• Buy interesting stationery   When you're bored, cold, and cooped up, you can use it for both good and evil. You can initiate stimulating correspondence with faraway loved ones. On the other hand, paper airplanes and spitballs can be liberally thrown at people in your living area.
• SAVE NOW   Trips to Hawaii are expensive for an escapist, yet financially challenged, girl like myself.
• Oh yeah, some people like to participate in outdoor sports during the winter   For such people, I would add the preparation of your gear to this list. I would also like to say that you are crazy, and that you should keep your hyperactive selves in bed during the season in which you will most likely get hypothermia and frostbite.

As a last note, I'd like to wish Colleen good luck, and say that I'll miss her very much. (Colleen won't be here during the fall and winter, which kind of applies to my theme.)

Well, that should do it for now. Thanks for indulging my list-making, self-mocking, cynical tendencies. If you want to find me during the cold season, I'll be in my bathrobe, reading travel brochures and throwing spitballs at the bartender at the Old Forge.

— Alyssa

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Read more "Letters from Tripod" in the archive.

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