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De Contrac' Wid America

De Contract's Co'e Principles. De Contrac' wif America is rooted in 3 co'e principles, dig dis:

Accountability - De guv'ment is too big ass an' spends too much, an' Congress an' unelected bureaucrats gots' become so entrenched t'be unresponsive t'de public dey is supposed to serve. De GOP contrac' resto'es accountability t'guv'ment.

Responsibility - Bigguh guv'ment an' mo'e federal honky codes usurp sucka'al responsibility fum families an' individuals. De GOP contrac' resto'es some propuh' balance between guv'ment an' sucka'al responsibility. Ya' know?

Oppo'tunity - De American Dream is out uh de reach uh too many families 'cuz uh burdensome guv'ment regulashuns an' harsh tax laws. De GOP contrac' resto'es de American dream.

De Contract

As Republican Members uh de House uh Representatives an' as citizens seekin' t'join dat body we propose not plum to change its policies, but even mo'e impo'tant, t'resto'e de bonds uh trust between de sucka's an' deir elected representatives.

Dat is why, in dis era uh official evasion an' posturin', we offuh instead some detaah'ld agenda fo' nashunal renewal, some written commitment wif no fine print. Sheeeiit.

Dis year's elecshun offers de chance, aftuh foe decades of one-party control, t'brin' t'de House some new majo'ity dat gots'ta transfo'm de way Congress wo'ks. Dat histo'ic change would be da damn end uh guv'ment dat is too big ass, too intrusive, an' too easy wif de public's bre'd. It kin be da damn beginnin' of some Congress dat respects de values an' shares de faid of de American family.

Like Lincoln, our fust Republican super-dude, we intend t'act "wif firmness in de right, as God gives us t'see da damn right." To resto'e accountability t'Congress. Ya' dig? To end its cycle of scan'al an' disgrace. To make us all proud agin' uh de way free sucka's govern demselves.

On de fust day uh de 104d Congress, de new Republican majo'ity gots'ta immediately pass de followin' majo' refo'ms, aimed at resto'in' de faid an' trust uh de American sucka's in deir guv'ment:

• FIRST, require all laws dat apply t'de rest uh de country also apply equally t'de Congress;

• SECOND, selec' some majo', independent auditin' firm t'conduct a comprehensive audit uh Congress fo' waste, fraud o' abuse;

• THIRD, cut da damn numbuh uh House committees, an' cut committee staff by one-dird;

• FOURTH, limit da damn terms uh all committee chairs;

• FIFTH, ban de cas'ing uh proxy votes in committee;

• SIXTH, require committee meetin's t'be jimmey t'de public;

• SEVENTH, require some t'ree-fifds majo'ity vote t'pass some tax increase;

• EIGHTH, guarantee an honest accountin' uh our Federal Budgit by implementin' zero base-line budgitin'.

Dereaftuh, wifin de fust 100 days uh de 104d Congress, we shall brin' t'de House Floo' de followin' bills, each t'be given full an' jimmey debate, each t'be given some clear an' fair vote an' each t'be immediately available dis day fo' public inspecshun an' scrutiny.

1. THE FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT
A balanced budgit/tax limitashun amendment an' some legislative line-item veto t'resto'e fiscal responsibility t'an out-of-control Congress, requirin' dem t'live unduh de same budgit constraints as families an' businesses. Git down!

2. THE TAKING BACK OUR STREETS ACT
An anti-crime package includin' stronguh trud-in-sentencin', "baaaad faid" 'esclusionary rule 'esempshuns, effective dead penalty provisions, an' cuts in social spendin' fum dis summer's "crime" bill t'fund prison construcshun an' addishunal law enfo'cement t'keep sucka's secure in deir neighbo'hoods an' kids safe in deir schools.

3. THE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY ACT
Discourage illegitimacy an' teen pregnancy by prohibitin' welfare t'mino' muthu's an' denyin' increased AFDC fo' addishunal children whah'l on welfare, cut spendin' fo' welfare honky codes, an' enac' some tough two-years-an'-out provision wif wo'k requirements t'promote individual responsibility.

4. THE FAMILY REINFORCEMENT ACT
Child suppo't enfo'cement, tax incentives fo' adopshun, strengdenin' rights uh parents in deir children's educashun, stronguh child po'nography laws, an' an elderly dependent care tax credit t'reinfo'ce da damn central role uh families in American society.

5. THE AMERICAN DREAM RESTORATION ACT
A S500 puh' child tax credit, begin repeal uh de marriage tax penalty, an' creashun uh American Dream Savin's Accounts to provide middle class tax relief. What it is, Mama!

6. THE NATIONAL SECURITY RESTORATION ACT
No U.S. troops unduh U.N. comman' an' resto'ashun uh de essential parts uh our nashunal security fundin' t'strengden our nashunal defense an' maintain our credibility around de wo'ld.

7. THE SENIOR CITIZENS FAIRNESS ACT
Raise da damn Social Security earnin's limit whut currently fo'ces senio's out uh de wo'k fo'ce, repeal de 1993 tax hikes on Social Security benefits an' provide tax incentives fo' private long-term care insurance t'let Olduh Americans keep mo'e of whut dey gots' earned ovuh de years.

8. THE JOB CREATION AND WAGE ENHANCEMENT ACT
Small business incentives, capital gains cut an' indexashun, neutral cost recovery, risk assessment/cost-benefit analysis, strengdenin' de Regulato'y Flexibility Act an' unfunded man'ate refo'm t'create jobs an' raise wo'kuh wages.

9. THE COMMON SENSE LEGAL REFORM ACT
"Losuh pays" laws, reasonable limits on punitive damages an' refo'm uh product liability laws t'stem de endless tide of litigashun.

10. THE CITIZEN LEGISLATURE ACT
A fust-evuh vote on term limits t'replace careuh politicians wif citizen legislato's. Ya' know?

Furduh, we gots'ta instruct da damn House Budgit Committee t'repo't to de floo' an' we gots'ta wo'k t'enac' addishunal budgit savin's, beyond da damn budgit cuts specific'l included in de legislashun described above, t'ensho' dat da damn Federal budgit deficit gots'ta be less dan it would gots' been wifout de enactment uh dese bills.

Respectin' de judgment uh our fellow citizens as we seek deir man'ate fo' refo'm, we hereby pledge our dojiggers t'dis Contract wif America.